Manic Depression

i cant handle things right now

i am confused and angry and nothing thinking straight and i want to make horrible mistakes for such selfish fucking reasons

bobby i read your recent bloog post and i cant handle it, i wanna hold your hand and i am sorry for how you feel, i want you to follow your dreams but i know how parents are

a woman in a store said there was something wrong with me today cause i didnt acknowledge her

then i received a friendly lecture, the ones you listen to cause she is an elder, no other reason

i didnt mind even though i was half asleep and she picked up on it and she said there was something wrong with me, but not in a mean way

more like she pointed out that i have shadows, demons even, in my head

and i guess its true

i am confused and happy but sad and i over think so much i dont think things through if that makes sense

you know

like i want to take things delicatly and step by step trying not to let it explode in my face then out of nowhere i decide to do something completely stupid and it hits me in the face with a full on pain and it comes back to me now and leaves me in a spiral of depression cause i dont think things through

thats what the woman said to me

i think to much

she can see it

probably in my eyes

i need something to calm me down

something inside me is building up and i cant reach it, release it

im just so angry and i dont know why

i havent made a blog post like this in a while

maybe cause i havent been feeling like this in a while

why does it hit now??
is it cause uni is over for now and now i cant keep myself distracted from my demons?

ugh sometimes i just hate myself

cause i cant help who i am

you know those times i keep talking and i say things during real horrible times

so i just do things

why do i do things

why do i say things

i just wish someone has the balls to ask me whats wrong

i want to keep more secrets, that was my flaw that i wanted to someone heal this year

it was in my new years resolutions

so was "be creative"

but we both know that those things wont be resloved or whatever

i jsut half asleep, drownsy and sad

empty even

why cant i think

i hate this i need to learn that people have emotions and ugh its not about me and i just need this but i dont need this then i get angry then i get sad then i want to punch things and ugh ugh ughugh gugnbroonvnanjanegklnklnarklngerak



try and make myself happy

i love how pumped jess and collin are on whatsapp right now

im listening to riptide to make myself happy

and staring at this picture or mr mac i took today

well, yesterday apparently

ok im happy now

my friends are making me smile

someone else is making me smile

*subtle grin*

y7eah i is gon end my post here

O yea I almost 4got to mention I went 2 eat out wit tian. 

Whoa, won't you let me hold you, dear ? 
I want to just put my arms around ya, like the circles going 'round the 
Let me hold you daddy, at least until the morning comes.- Janis Joplin - I need a man to love