11:30 on Friday the 13th July 2018


Hello blogger peeps

I’ve been feeling really down lately. I’ve overcome a huge hurdle in my life and I still feel deeply unsatisfied. 

Andrew tells me just give yourself a break! Like I’m trying too but it’s hard. I’m itching to move to the next thing but im too lazy to do anything about it. 

Going back to dymocks was so bloody hard for me. Like Jess used to complain all the time about about going to dymocks felt like a huge step back for her and I never felt that way. I was extremely content with where I was but after finishing my final hurdle I feel very. Over it. Like my days are slow and nothing is happening and time is frozen and nothing means anything !!!


I need a new job. A new life a new something. 


I’ve also been reflecting on how much I fucking miss summer. Summer bummer. I’m so sad. 

I’m starting to doze. I have work tomorrow. 

I don’t want to be there. 

Sleep time!

Catch up soon


MarZ

Count your blessings

some words stuck with me during the last 6 weeks


  • this is either make you or break you
                     &

  • count your blessings

those 2 lines kept me strong, every time i felt depressed or anxious i would hear those words in my head, and although i wasnt strong at the time, i kept repeating it until i felt that little bit stronger.

this long weekend was the first time in a long time i felt strong enough to relax. I have been extremely highly strung for the last six weeks, but now i feel content with my abilities and i know what I am doing/where i am going

Lets talk about the quotes...


on week 4 of my 9 week journey i was told my someone "i told myself that this will wither make me or break me and here i am today". i have been broken down and beaten down before. and it isnt fun. its really self depreciating and you really lose a part of yourself when it happens. I knew what happened to me made me lose a big part of myself and i didnt realise it at the time. 

But after she said that, i told myself i am going to be strong and re-grow the thing that i have lost, maybe grow something better? So i could either give up or go through hell. I chose to go through hell, everyday i will go through hell because when i look back at the other days i have realised i have made it. and it made me (and continues to make me) stronger. 

If you are going through hell keep going

I kept telling myself if i cant do this what CAN'T i do in the future? i said "you are going to get through this because you came all this way to just give up? nah, no"

there is that one folk tale of a man who dung a hole looking for gold and when he gave up another man continued to dig his hole he found the gold instantly 

so why did i put myself through all this pain just to give up right at the end of the tunnel???

I remind myself everyday that i am persistent and smart and passionate and kind and sweet

which leads me to my next quote

count your blessings 

I have no money
no time
no ideas
no food
no nutin'

but i have friends and family


andrew takes money out of his pocket to feed me
andrew dropping off my little brother at school 
my family takes money out of their pocket to help me transport myself
my friends and family take time out of their lives to carry me
jess phan spends her sundays cooking me food to ensure i have the nutrition to get through the day
jess garcia calling me everyday, throwing resources at me and ensuring im ok

i have friends

where when i am at my weakest and darkest points

screaming motivation at me to keep me going

every time i tell myself count your blessings  i see my amazing friends 

and i never feel bad or guilty for what i am doing because i know they love me and they know i would do the same for them and that i love them more than anything and that i will make it up to them



I am incredibly lucky to have the friends, family, and partner that i have. honestly i dont know what or where i would be without them.

i have a warm bed
i have amazing friends
i have caring family
i have a loyal dog
i have a caring boyfriend
i have a roof over my head
i have a car that works

i am very lucky

i really am


i need to remind myself everyday that i am



also here is a list of things i am excited to do when i am finished

  • wash peanut (he is soooo stinky)
  • vaccinate peanut
  • service car
  • kendrick lamar!!
  • WHAT SO NOT
  • make a vision board
  • watch the Blackkklansman
  • watch the Isle of Dogs
  • mary jane ;)
  • plan andrews bday (shhh)
  • buy a graduation dress
  • throw a party
  • go to the MCA
  • finish watching arrested developemnt
  • hang out with - ruth, chet, sue, hellen
  • celebrate my little brothers birthday'
  • clean my room (omg i am legit so ready to!!)
  • clean my car
  • wedding exp
  • MAKING MONEY (I AM SO FUCKING POOR

Saturday, how're things going?

some people know what i am currently doing

but a lot of people dont and i rather not mention anything cause i rather not jinx it

i have been feeling very depressed and overwhelmed and this has been only in the last- what? 8 hours? before that i was rather relaxed, chill and happy, but something in me flipped and i became this stress head.


i have been a super duper stress head recently and it is not cute, not cute at all for anybody

I was going to make a post about saturday and how happy i was


essentially i was trying to get some work done and i had no motivation what so ever! so then i asked andrew, bobs, huynh and jess to do some work with me. but the problem was that jess couldnt come and i wanted to do work a the university of western sydney


so then jess gave me her card (key, access to the uni) and off I, bobs, huynh and andrew went to campbelltown, but we went at a really late hour (around 2 or 3) and we were planning to shop SOOoOooOO we went shopping then decided to do work hahaha (because we were planning to work for 2 hours and we arrived at 2-3 meaning we would shop at 4 and the shopping centre closes at 5:30 and we cant have that !!!!!


so yeah we shopped and i was a little bit stressed we werent going to get work done, but had fun because bobs and i could shop for make up (i finally got spanked!!!! by fenty!! yay it looks good on me) and I could banter with huynh and andrew


when i got home that night i couldnt help but feel happy and nostalgic. i hate feeling nostalgic, its like i feel bad for being where i am today? i dont want to be fixated on the past but be ready for the future


this is becoming gloomy when it was actually a postive day for me. its so frustrating

these mood swings, they come out of nowhere and i know its all in my head - but do i?

sometimes i feel like everyone is out to get me and attack me or hurt me and i get really upset. i dig up this little hole and bury myself in it but a minute ago i had a high


who knows whats wrong with me. all i know is that i am trying to fix it. nothing really seems to be working, yet

everything is slipping away from me. i just dont know what to do about my feelings

all i do all day is listen to motivational videos, i tell myself it is all in my head but it is not enough, nothing is ever enough


ugh I HATE FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF ITS SO STUPID