i woke up at 6:58 AM very sad very depressed so i started to write

how could you be so cold yet feel so warm?

Ive got big  blue tears running out my eyes
straight to my thighs
i want to die
i want it all to end here
but then i feel you near
your smell, your embrace
get me out of this place
and then you do
because its you

so you think youre better than everyone?
But youve got it all wrong
now all youve got is a song
if you heard youself speak
when you peak
when you preach
your mold begins to shatter
the holes begin to crack
i need you back
with the gold, keeping you together
your flaws shining
you let your wings weather
then you begin climbing
bruised hands
bruised soul
the real you is old
who are you?where youve been?
hidden, unseen
i need you
i miss you
not this fool
with too much pride
go die
dont hide
be you, be true
the you i knew
not this phoney
if only-
you saw your potential
your light
its detrimental
for you to take flight

warm bad day

my depression has really been kicking my ass the fast few weeks,
ususlly when the sun is up, i am more motivated and happy

but recently everything has been feeling black and white.

im especially down today because i was meant to start a new diet. i was so excited, i bought all the ingredients for it and then i realised that each meal takes too long to cook, the instructions are complicated and i need specific ingredients to do this.

I have even went out of my way to get it, bt i got so tired today and making one dish took me 1h!!
it wasnt worth it.

i couldnt even get past day one

im trying not to bash myself up for it tho, i am still going to try and use whatever left over ingredients i have, ill return the ones i dont need and i am going to give myself rules in regards to how to eat/just try and eat better.

my sleeps have been bad too. they arent awake all night tossing and turning ones. but black out ones. where i would be too sad to move or get out of bed and i just konk out. i think i have only 2 types of sleeps - depression sleeps and anxiety sleeps.

i havent really though about what i am going to do after dymocks... i havent even started writing a resume !
i know i need to but i am scared

i am scared i wont enjoy the work. i feel very dead-end ish

like nothing will be fulfilng

gosh i hate dymocks. i get so miserable. sometimes i feel like im talking and no one is really listening. theyre just on their phones.

today was a nice day. i got to walk peanut, but i had an anger inside of me. like a pain is bubbling over me. im starting to get headaches where i have my hair up. but i think its cause it got wacked my a book the other day

i am just rambling now..

but i am sad. im really really sad. i feel gross and stuck and sick. i want to be away. i want to feel happy, i want to relax. i want to healthy. i just wish i had a friend who understood everything i am going through. someone to cry with, someone- just someone knew i guess ..

just something new. it was day off today - i woke up - dropped off my bro at school - was on my phone for ages - went to the shops came home - cooked a little - picked up my bro from school - continued cooking  - finally finished cooking - ate (very bad food) - walked peanut - took a nap - woke up - ate again. it was a long and exhausting day. i think i need to get out of this house?

when i woke up from my nap i was in a trance. my dad stared at me and asked me what was wrong. instead of saying nothing i told him. i told him about the cooking and the diet and he was shocked cause i usually say nothing. but then he started rambling about how it i did everything in one time i can get it done in 40 min. lol that wasnt true but it was comforting that he tried.

ive also made a bitter realisation

i think the reason why i never want to go out anymore is so that no one can hurt me or make me angry or make me frustrated. i just want to be able to leave the house happy and calm and not have y blood boil

i feel like to too comfortable with where i am right now. like i dont want to go out htere cause i am scared that people will meet me and hurt me and judge me . . .

i feel like im watching everyone and no one is watching me

i just feel fragile all the time

the sickness is coming back

please make it stop..

I miss the sound of wind on a hot summers night