2018 => 2020 if i change its for myself

Above you will see my vision board, hullow ! I made this in 2018 and i had it up for a while but i eventually hid it cause i got a lil embarrassed

but every now and then i would whip is out again and notice my progress.

lets talk about the ticked off things

water bottle 

So yes i have been drinking a fuck tonne of water, I feel like whenever i get bored at work i drink WATER. but i pee all the time, oh wells

glowy skin

yes! doing the 10 step skin care made my skin a lot more glowwwwyyy. Before my skin care i used to always get HUGE pimples that took forever to go away and would scar. but now i get itty bitty babies that go in about a few days to a week! yay (i might make a post about my skin care routine woo!) 

girl out of window, group of friends on the lawn, me w/ peanut on the beach

this image was a very vague. it was just me living my best life, involving my friends. in 2019 i lost them a bit, but it wasnt anyones fault but i did notice the huge gap. we were all so busy!!!! i was def so busy. i started hanging out with my coworker which is nice. it is always so nice making new friends.  a clean slate. but its really made me insecure too, cause im like omg the true me is a cunty bitch with good intentions, i hope they dont mind. wow what a tangent 

ANYWAYS yes i wanted more time and fun times with friends. and it did happen yay! I have been taking peanut to A LOT of getaway houses. i am so proud of my baby when he is calm and collected. he is honestly a loveable angel. bless him.

room

basically how i wanted my room. and the girl in the dress next to it is the same. I def got there. i love the vibe of my room. i used to hate being in my room but now i dont want to leave it! haha

green dress

i bought the dress

the end

10,000 = ING

its so easy to save that much money when you have a full time job! so easy peasy 

barefoot investor 

i read it! but i stopped at one point cause it was no longer relevant. i need to find it again to read again!

travel 

went to japan with andrew!  the map is technically europe! but thats gonna happen this year :)

POTTERY, technically this isnt ticked off! BUT! i did do it with bobs and it was gr8

the other ones which i did not tick are the ones that i hope i can achieve this year

i want healthier habits and eat better food

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Here is my 2020 hand made vision board. this is in my bullet journal 

this year i want to be more of an adult,

I want to really focus on things that will make me happier and healthier

andd.. richer

yall can read it, its pretty self explanatory

 im currently workin on the printed version of it to stick in my room

ALSO i want to start blogging 3x a month again. I did it in 2018 i think and i really think its worth it. cause every time i visit my blogger and re-read things im like hey i HAVE changed and for the better, i struggle to see the good in me. and when i see my lbogger i do see the good but i also see that my sad and dark days are over. when i get sad i think, remember when i felt the same way. all pain is temporary.

but yeah love u blogger


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These are the images so far

finish my accred fo dat pay rise !!



again blogging x3 a month
start bujo youtube
start an etsy




be creative again



MONEY $$



look into buying a house



more memories



fix my fkn car!



eat like a champ!



WORK OUT



cut down on screen time !




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OK so I just found out that nancy reads my blog!!

hello!!

f o o d

I have been struggling to write this post or even think straight.


This holiday period has really slowed me down (which is good)

usually during a holiday period i get really sad and bored

sure im sad but not as bored so yay!  Today tho. has been a boring, rainy and sleepy day. Thank god FOMO was yesterday and not today..

Anywayssss

the topic is FOOD! and my terrible relationship with it

my doctor and therapist keep telling me that what i eat effects my m00d. And i know that but I cant stop. I honestly have no self control and i feel as if its a defining feature in my personality.

ok maybe not

im being dramatic - but still i feel like SHIT

lets talk about my history with food

I have always been picky and a small eater. I was really thin and super lazy. Being lazy and picky made me NOT eat. I was a stick in high school and looking at pictures of myself during that time SCARES !! me cause im like holy shit i was so malnourished.

Ok lets talk about being picky. I love junk food and coke (as we all know)

I noticed that instead of eating I would sleep. And the reason I would sleep is because I had a sugar crash from coke.

Being picky me i would beg my parents to buy me maccas and they would cause i was skinny. But what i didnt realise was abnormal was that my parents would give me maccas once or twice a week.. this was when i was in high school btw

and all of our grocery shopping would be juice boxes, packets of chip. Just really bad junk food. Both of my parents worked so there wasnt a lot of food at home or packed meals. I would be given $5 everyday to eat and that would mean pies or whatever.

Honestly I constantly ate like a pig and my body was fine.

but i also walked home from school everyday so thats another thing

Come uni.

my bad eating habits rolled over and was made worse. During most of high school I did  not care about my grades or getting into uni. Meaning being brain dead in class and not having to use much energy.

Uni comes along and i realised that i needed to be full to be able to think and learn and TRAVEL 2 -3 HOURS EVERYDAY (rip)

not to mention my "career" at dymocks = in a westfields = right next to maccas, kfc, etc. !!!!!!!

lets break down my meals

• mum barely cooked food
• when she did i was too picky to eat
• most of her meals were just meat and rice
• at one point - every morning i would have maccas pancakes for breakfast @ dymocks
• i would then eat maccas or kfc for lunch
• then go out with friends for dinner  OR just starve myself 
• love for coffee starts
• campus food too exxy = maccas (oml)
• sudden freedom = eating out with friends more
• boyfriend = relationship gut 
• omg we used to eat snack packs alllll the time 

as a broke uni student there was some restraint. the only reason why i couldnt eat was because i had no money !

I became progressively bigger but it peaked around the 3rd year of uni when i became depressed and anxious,

depression meant no motivation and a lot of self hatred and giving up !

when i forced myself to go to prac it cause major anxiety meaning a total drop in weight

- deferring uni at this point - mainly working, traveling etc. and EATING 

weight grows

final prac = weight DROPS!

in between prac = getting casual work = working at dymocks = weight grows

first year of teaching

WEIGHT DROPS AGAIN

these weight drops were because of anxiety. I could not eat anything even if i tried. I would but something in my mouth and i would gag it out

including foods i liked e.g. steak, junk food idk EVERYTHING

the only thing that went down was COFFEE and MACCAS

i couldnt  taste anything, i would just eat a SMALL CHEESE BURGER MEAL once a day that was my only meal

of course i would be skinny as

(but tbh i looked good? idk why my skin was glowing like HUH?)

teaching aka 2019 

term 1-2 i am anxiety ridden ! so im slimmer 

 i start getting used to teaching around term 3-4. 

so at this point i have hunger, depression, no time, and a lot of junk food. 

my daily routine would be 

1. wake up & get coffee at the usual
2. work work work and in between work more coffee and chocolates/lollies my co workers would give me + the snack box i got for my kids 
3. come 3:15 - 5PM (whenever i leave work) i am starved/ that is when my hunger kicks in = knowing nothing is at home i would aggressively eat snacks
4. when i do get home i would ask "anyone wanna eat" or my FRENEMY = UBER EATS.... uber eats would have a deal which was free delivery for stores on the way to you. no lie, i would eat uber eats every day NOT LYINg

and that was my routines and NOW I am overweight......

I am sick of looking in the mirror and hating myself, thinking "cant wait to get back to work so i can be skinny" when it is sooo unhealthy..

im sick of lying in bed doing nothing, sleeping, struggling to do things like hiking, i cant lift things, i walk like a fat girl, i have absolutely no energy !

honestly i would have so much self loathing, i would look at myself in the mirror and be like who is that

at the end of term 4 my pants ripped, my gut was sticking out and nothing fits me anymore.... when i look down i see a HUGE gut, if i sat a certain way i could see my body rolls, everything jiggles. I just want to feel sexy again ...

SO i had to think = will i go out and by size 12 ? or keep me at a size 8/10

for the sake of my health too

i know what i was putting into my body was poison. 

i couldnt poop! 

it was all just too much 

i hope this year will be different 

i hope it would be better

and healthier

and maybe if im lucky! skinnier