hot hot hot

hi me again, 

lets talk burn out 

I am meant to be doing reports and I have been doing nothing for the last 2 days. I can find the energy to do ANYTHING. I am depressed and tired and I just want the term to end. 

I havent felt inspired for a very long time and I feel like I am about to explode

I love my job sometimes but i also really hate it

there is a really terrible imbalance at this school

some people work their arses off and some do the bare minimum and live off of people who work so hard

I dont mind doing this work but please give me time to do it and let me do it with competent people

I dont know - i feel tired all the time and I am fucking sick of the drama at work. 

I

DO 

NOT

WANT

TO 

BE

AROUND

PEOPLE

WHO 

HATE

THEIR

LIVES 

OR 

ARE ANGRY

look i dont know but bro good vibes only. i feel like I cant have honest conversations with people. I feelsooooo full - like I am over pouring. I am really struggling to keep my head on. I have so many things to do and I am doing a lot of favours for people

last year i wouldve been so happy and excited to be doing the things that I am doing - but if it is a one off thing. Not a 3 times a week on top of teaching and on top of admin stuff.

I can handle the ordinary stuff - what i CAN NOT HANDLE is people making my fucking life harder

I love the attention and the validation but its getting to the point where I cant do what i said i can do and i am disappointing people

I am just so tired

I just want to teach

I want to see my students

I wanna sit in a room with them and talk to them and show they literature that I love

I am sick of making casual work and doing other shit that I don't get thanked for

i am sick of working so hard and having people fucking USE ME FOR A FUCKING RIDE

not only are they using me ANDDD using my name - they arent even saying that i am doing all the fukcngidzngonlgj eodib WORK

I dont know i am getting real sick and tired of running the show and having other people it was them

then they give me a half smile

a half thanks

a half apology

bro can i just get my reports done 

i just want 

i. want. time. 

i want to hang out with my friends

i want to have a godDAMN FUCKING SINCERE CONVERSATION 

  i just want someone to listen to me

i dont want to listento anyone elses crap

I want to cry and cry and cry and scream and shout

and i get so mad because i feel like people OUTSIDE of work also dont understand the fucking hardships I have to go through, all the goddamn work i do.

I dont know

i just want to be appreciated !

thanks for listening to my rant

pleaase ask me how i am LOL

side note 

I miss u bobs, I wish i had more friends who loved art as much as I did

i wish i had friends who liked my music and tv shows

I want to talk about cool shows and chill music and i want to hang with people who dress in hipster clothes and go to museums and have an outer body experience when looking at a piece of artwork for too long

i dont mind going with andrew

but its not the same

i want to go with someone who understands its

and really feels it

and understands me in that very moments

im just feeling uninspired 

 

Midnight ramblings

This is a post it note for this week

I have been wanting to make a blogpost for a while but never got around to doing it. 

A blogpost that i have lined up it called wait but i guess you have to WAIT for it hehehe hahaha

Ive been feeling very falloofy these days

I know its not a word but i cant really define how I ultimately feel

Its very caught inbetween but sometimes i flicker but mainly im content and a lil stressed

Not anxiety ridden stress like omg im gonna die and everyone is gonna hate me etc. (not mentally ill vers. Of maz)

But more ahhh so much to do so little time especially now that the gym is in my routine

Idk maybe the big issue is that i used to get work done in the morning but im struggling to get up and once its the end of the day i get too tired

I know that i want to wake up early tomorrow and go to work super early (try and get work done before my 8AM meeting) but i know i might skip the meeting and sleep especially since its late right now and its raining 

Idk im just struggling w my energy but more about that next time

Like im trying to implement strategies to make myself less of a workaholic meaning that i work during work hours and leave work at work

This came about because during the last school holiday i completely threw work in the bin- i wouldnt even hang out with my coworkers because i didnt want to talk about work (im so scarred by it)

And i felt like myself again

You know the hipster emo gal who is sarcastic and a cunt and just not really caring what people think

I would get these flare ups of anger when people are doing dumb shit and i go to teacher mode

Which i hate bleh

Like i do like my job but its really robbing me of who i am sometimes. If anything i dont mind being a workaholic the bigger issue is that i become teacher mode all the time

I guess im trying to find the balance of who i am and who “ms chan” is. Im a lil like should they merge or seperate because of my personal opinion and i guess is it professional that line i guess.

I get really torn about career me. Like sometimes i would reminisce about uni me and it makes me really really sad that i never got to live my dreams but. What were my dreams ? Like be an artist? Do i want that? I wouldnt want to be an actress and again its that whole “work to live or live to work” argument. 

Throughout highschool i always never wanted the domestic life. I wanted to explore the world and essentially be a whore. 

But i am happy where i am now. Domesticated (ok not really LMAO) by andrew. I love LOVE having money. I love being to buy whatever i want. I love the idea of being able to buy a home and not rent for the rest of my life. Idk i love feeling proud of myself? I really am. 

Like i know the job i am in is changing a life at a time. 

It might not be a lot and i might be forgotten but im doing something to impact someones life. 

I think my biggest fear is that i resent andrew in a few years when we are married and have kids. Like do i resent him now? Who knows. 

I guess i feel like im in a crisis? I am so happy but i think in an alternative universe would i be happy?

But when i do travel i het the blues and get depressed?

Like i dont know

There are so many thinks i dont know

But on the flip side

I know so much. What i think, feel, and experience is so rare. A lot of people will never understand what i understand. Even some of my friends will never understand what i have felt and currently feel. 

The more i think about the more im like hmm. Maybe the issue is that i find some of my workmates boring/ not relatable? 

But they are my workers? I dont need to connect with them

Or is it that i havent been able to meet new people? Maybe being the social butterfly i am im sad i dont get to meet new like minded people. A lot of people i meet arent as artsy or into the things i am in

Maybe thats why i feel happy yet lonely. 

But where can i meet these people? 

Hm 

Ok i just kissed andrew goodnight

Gonna kiss you guys good night,

Have a good rest and sweet dreams. 

P. S. I love meeting new people and getting to really know them. Finding out their little quirks and listening to their silly anecdotes. I dont know i find it all intoxicating. And sometimes i meet people who love such plain lives and i love trying to get them to come out of their shells or make them see the world as such a colourful and interesting play thing. Idk life is so full and amazing. Yet so devastating? Hm

i dont wanna be dramatic but

i dont wanna be dramatic but.. 

sometimes i feel like im broken

i feel like im walking around with a huge crack, a huge split that roots and rots from my heart and slowly creaks and cracks across my body

sometimes i just want to scream

i want my skin to melt 

i want to be a puddle in the ground seeping deeper and deeper into the dirt 

hoping that when i have reached deep enough in the dirt that i reach totally nothingness

sometimes i just want to pick on my chest and keep picking and picking until i bleeds and it gets deeper and deeper until i can pull my heart out

and i want to hold my heart in my hand 

seeing it beat and seeing that it isnt actually broken

but why does it feel that way? why does it hurt

and then it rots to black and i reach a numbness where i cant feel pain anymore

right now i can hear it beating 

a pulsating all over my body and with every beat is spreads this short lingering pain

like /beat/ hurt .. its slightly gone and then beat

it hurts again

a constant beating pain that shakes me and makes me fragile

it makes me tired

it makes me want to crawl in bed

it wants to envelop me so i cant move so i can constantly feel that way

i keep looking at my hands hoping it will tell me what to do but i know it cant 

i can see them shake and when i see them shake i breathe faster and faster and faster  until the rest of the world is black like nothing around me exists and this whole time ive been in an alternate reality

like ive been living another life 

and someone taps on my shoulder and its sunny and i smile 

and i realise this life was just a nightmare

then i close my eyes and open them

look at my hands again try and tell myself what is real and what isnt

sadly everything is real

sometimes i feel so i numb i twitch my head back

as if to snap me out of it

as if there is something behind me that will tell me that everything is ok

all of these things i feel and i keep hoping the pain is going to get so intense that it reaches a climax and it doesnt hurt anymore

but when the intensity starts, peaks and drops, the hurt doesnt go away, it just lingers there in the numbness of everything

i was tossing and turning last night, in a dream, it wasnt a nightmare

but it was me screaming

youre depressed again youre depressed again youre depressed again 

it kept screaming at me until i got up

and i woke up to my heart in my mouth

the anxiety took over 

i got up peed and forced myself back to sleep.

i guess im depressed again

 

i know im stronger than this

but it gonna be a painful and lonely ride 

i hate talking to people about it

people who truly dont understand 

who would brush it off like its not real

like all of my feelings are not real

but they are real 

the pain is real

the beating is real

the screams are real

the lack then snap back into reality is real

the never ending darkness is real

im not crazy

youll just never understand

and i guess that is why i'm so lonely 

omg another feeling i have is that my body is so heavy in sadness that my arm will just fall off

on a side side note #justdepressionthings

I was talking to my friend and giving her relationship advice and I was like that she has to remember that her partner isnt perfect like how she isnt perfect. if she expects her partner to accept her flaws she needs to accept his

and i said "look i've met myself and im crazy"

She: "what? haha you "met yourself" U sure!?

me; um yeahhhh

she: how, how can you meet yourself ?

me: um THERAPY ?

we had a gud laf about it #mentalillnesses 

LYCHEE PROGRESS

oops

SEE I HAVE ALREADY FAILED BLOGGING 3 TIMES A MONTH JESUS

did mean to make that sentence caps but too lazy to rewrite

hellow blogger readers. how has the second month of the year been?

been a weird one for me.

some important things have happened in the last 18 days.

1. laptop broke, i have been wondering why i have been so CEEBS for work recently. not wanting to do anything or create anything

and i am beginning to realise it is because i dont have a fucking laptop. i am very frustrated by the fact that i dont have a device where i can type or edit documents or mark rolls or just whatsapp my friends while i do something else


sure i have my imac but its too bloody big
sure i have my ipad but its too restricted
sure i have my work laptop but its too bloody smallAND its a PCgross!

I chucked a sickie today cause i was feeling off yesterday but now i feel kinda ok

sweaty and lethargic but ok

2. I was intermittent fasting. emphasise on the WAS. sadly i broke the fast on saturday because andrew and i went on an eating frenzy. I was meant to get back on track on monday (which i did) but it broke again today because my mum made me a coffee in the morning which was a mistake.

a. it had milk in it
b. she probs put a lot of sugar in it
c. it hurt my sore throat

the sugar in the coffee started to ware off and then i ate3 whole fucking ferrors roches (or however they are spelt)

i felt really shit for a while and the sugar/junk food craving started to poke me a lil again.

Uber eats gave me a deal of free delivery - and i was this close to ordering ubereats (ZEUS greekfood to be exact) and the $$30 price tag didnt have stopped me (wrap $18 and +9 to put in meal), the "eating out only twice a week" didnt stop me. It was opening coupons that stated "buy 2 wraps for 1" that stopped me. cause i thought - why order the food now when i can go with andrew and eat a cheap meal together.


idk is that lame. i had party pies instead. After i ate the pies i was like hmm i dont want the food anymore, no matter how much i wanted to convince myself that i really needed the food to stop my craving. cause sometimes youre hungry just because youre bored. i was like no im not bored i NEED THIS MEAL. turns out i didnt which is good. Next time i am  craving something i know i have the wilpower to do so.

A lot of my co workers are worried about my fasting - but i am not. back when i was anxious it was terrible, but now that i know it is controlled i feel good.  I think the major mistake i was making was that i ate too little. I recently ate a salad at my work and it was good! only $6 so during lunch i wanna eat a salad as my first meal - so my co workers dont get worries, i get my veggies and itll stop major cravings aferschool - i also wanna work on my sleeping pattern

on the plus side i have been walking peanut everyday

3. I have not touched my bullet journal. something had been out of wack with me recently and like i said my care for work has plummeted and my care for bujo has too. teaching is so much easier the second year I can feel myself getting lazy. I dont have a DRIVE an adrenaline to want to be the best

i just dont care

my mental health has been ok, ever since i started fasting i hate myself less. At one point  i got really upset i wrote fat on my belly and ugly and cried for a long time. Then i cleaned it off and went ot bed. Not hat i am fasting, eating healthier and walking peanut more i feel a lil more sane, a lot less depressed,

i think that is all i wanna say WAIT

4. my grandma is back! yay!

more food and cleaner house, hopefully i will be more motivated to be the best me


love maria

2018 => 2020 if i change its for myself

Above you will see my vision board, hullow ! I made this in 2018 and i had it up for a while but i eventually hid it cause i got a lil embarrassed

but every now and then i would whip is out again and notice my progress.

lets talk about the ticked off things

water bottle 

So yes i have been drinking a fuck tonne of water, I feel like whenever i get bored at work i drink WATER. but i pee all the time, oh wells

glowy skin

yes! doing the 10 step skin care made my skin a lot more glowwwwyyy. Before my skin care i used to always get HUGE pimples that took forever to go away and would scar. but now i get itty bitty babies that go in about a few days to a week! yay (i might make a post about my skin care routine woo!) 

girl out of window, group of friends on the lawn, me w/ peanut on the beach

this image was a very vague. it was just me living my best life, involving my friends. in 2019 i lost them a bit, but it wasnt anyones fault but i did notice the huge gap. we were all so busy!!!! i was def so busy. i started hanging out with my coworker which is nice. it is always so nice making new friends.  a clean slate. but its really made me insecure too, cause im like omg the true me is a cunty bitch with good intentions, i hope they dont mind. wow what a tangent 

ANYWAYS yes i wanted more time and fun times with friends. and it did happen yay! I have been taking peanut to A LOT of getaway houses. i am so proud of my baby when he is calm and collected. he is honestly a loveable angel. bless him.

room

basically how i wanted my room. and the girl in the dress next to it is the same. I def got there. i love the vibe of my room. i used to hate being in my room but now i dont want to leave it! haha

green dress

i bought the dress

the end

10,000 = ING

its so easy to save that much money when you have a full time job! so easy peasy 

barefoot investor 

i read it! but i stopped at one point cause it was no longer relevant. i need to find it again to read again!

travel 

went to japan with andrew!  the map is technically europe! but thats gonna happen this year :)

POTTERY, technically this isnt ticked off! BUT! i did do it with bobs and it was gr8

the other ones which i did not tick are the ones that i hope i can achieve this year

i want healthier habits and eat better food

------------------------------------

Here is my 2020 hand made vision board. this is in my bullet journal 

this year i want to be more of an adult,

I want to really focus on things that will make me happier and healthier

andd.. richer

yall can read it, its pretty self explanatory

 im currently workin on the printed version of it to stick in my room

ALSO i want to start blogging 3x a month again. I did it in 2018 i think and i really think its worth it. cause every time i visit my blogger and re-read things im like hey i HAVE changed and for the better, i struggle to see the good in me. and when i see my lbogger i do see the good but i also see that my sad and dark days are over. when i get sad i think, remember when i felt the same way. all pain is temporary.

but yeah love u blogger


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


These are the images so far

finish my accred fo dat pay rise !!



again blogging x3 a month
start bujo youtube
start an etsy




be creative again



MONEY $$



look into buying a house



more memories



fix my fkn car!



eat like a champ!



WORK OUT



cut down on screen time !




------------


OK so I just found out that nancy reads my blog!!

hello!!

f o o d

I have been struggling to write this post or even think straight.


This holiday period has really slowed me down (which is good)

usually during a holiday period i get really sad and bored

sure im sad but not as bored so yay!  Today tho. has been a boring, rainy and sleepy day. Thank god FOMO was yesterday and not today..

Anywayssss

the topic is FOOD! and my terrible relationship with it

my doctor and therapist keep telling me that what i eat effects my m00d. And i know that but I cant stop. I honestly have no self control and i feel as if its a defining feature in my personality.

ok maybe not

im being dramatic - but still i feel like SHIT

lets talk about my history with food

I have always been picky and a small eater. I was really thin and super lazy. Being lazy and picky made me NOT eat. I was a stick in high school and looking at pictures of myself during that time SCARES !! me cause im like holy shit i was so malnourished.

Ok lets talk about being picky. I love junk food and coke (as we all know)

I noticed that instead of eating I would sleep. And the reason I would sleep is because I had a sugar crash from coke.

Being picky me i would beg my parents to buy me maccas and they would cause i was skinny. But what i didnt realise was abnormal was that my parents would give me maccas once or twice a week.. this was when i was in high school btw

and all of our grocery shopping would be juice boxes, packets of chip. Just really bad junk food. Both of my parents worked so there wasnt a lot of food at home or packed meals. I would be given $5 everyday to eat and that would mean pies or whatever.

Honestly I constantly ate like a pig and my body was fine.

but i also walked home from school everyday so thats another thing

Come uni.

my bad eating habits rolled over and was made worse. During most of high school I did  not care about my grades or getting into uni. Meaning being brain dead in class and not having to use much energy.

Uni comes along and i realised that i needed to be full to be able to think and learn and TRAVEL 2 -3 HOURS EVERYDAY (rip)

not to mention my "career" at dymocks = in a westfields = right next to maccas, kfc, etc. !!!!!!!

lets break down my meals

• mum barely cooked food
• when she did i was too picky to eat
• most of her meals were just meat and rice
• at one point - every morning i would have maccas pancakes for breakfast @ dymocks
• i would then eat maccas or kfc for lunch
• then go out with friends for dinner  OR just starve myself 
• love for coffee starts
• campus food too exxy = maccas (oml)
• sudden freedom = eating out with friends more
• boyfriend = relationship gut 
• omg we used to eat snack packs alllll the time 

as a broke uni student there was some restraint. the only reason why i couldnt eat was because i had no money !

I became progressively bigger but it peaked around the 3rd year of uni when i became depressed and anxious,

depression meant no motivation and a lot of self hatred and giving up !

when i forced myself to go to prac it cause major anxiety meaning a total drop in weight

- deferring uni at this point - mainly working, traveling etc. and EATING 

weight grows

final prac = weight DROPS!

in between prac = getting casual work = working at dymocks = weight grows

first year of teaching

WEIGHT DROPS AGAIN

these weight drops were because of anxiety. I could not eat anything even if i tried. I would but something in my mouth and i would gag it out

including foods i liked e.g. steak, junk food idk EVERYTHING

the only thing that went down was COFFEE and MACCAS

i couldnt  taste anything, i would just eat a SMALL CHEESE BURGER MEAL once a day that was my only meal

of course i would be skinny as

(but tbh i looked good? idk why my skin was glowing like HUH?)

teaching aka 2019 

term 1-2 i am anxiety ridden ! so im slimmer 

 i start getting used to teaching around term 3-4. 

so at this point i have hunger, depression, no time, and a lot of junk food. 

my daily routine would be 

1. wake up & get coffee at the usual
2. work work work and in between work more coffee and chocolates/lollies my co workers would give me + the snack box i got for my kids 
3. come 3:15 - 5PM (whenever i leave work) i am starved/ that is when my hunger kicks in = knowing nothing is at home i would aggressively eat snacks
4. when i do get home i would ask "anyone wanna eat" or my FRENEMY = UBER EATS.... uber eats would have a deal which was free delivery for stores on the way to you. no lie, i would eat uber eats every day NOT LYINg

and that was my routines and NOW I am overweight......

I am sick of looking in the mirror and hating myself, thinking "cant wait to get back to work so i can be skinny" when it is sooo unhealthy..

im sick of lying in bed doing nothing, sleeping, struggling to do things like hiking, i cant lift things, i walk like a fat girl, i have absolutely no energy !

honestly i would have so much self loathing, i would look at myself in the mirror and be like who is that

at the end of term 4 my pants ripped, my gut was sticking out and nothing fits me anymore.... when i look down i see a HUGE gut, if i sat a certain way i could see my body rolls, everything jiggles. I just want to feel sexy again ...

SO i had to think = will i go out and by size 12 ? or keep me at a size 8/10

for the sake of my health too

i know what i was putting into my body was poison. 

i couldnt poop! 

it was all just too much 

i hope this year will be different 

i hope it would be better

and healthier

and maybe if im lucky! skinnier