(◡‿◡✿): 2018

2018

this is 2018 in no particular order. it first began with an order but all the photos got jumbled up and got too confusing to fix. so i am just going to leave it like this.

2018 was a pretty uneventful year for me compared to 2017 where i went on a self discovery journey.

2018 was more of a healing year, a year of decision making, and a year of waiting.

it was a very itchy year. it felt so slow and stagnant. 2017 was about living my life, about giving myself time. there was always something to do. it was my gap year, it was my break from life. I was able to travel and try new things.

2018 was meant to be a year of moving forward.. which i did but it took a loooong ass time. i was so over working at dymocks. i wanted a job, i wanted to start my life and it wasnt happening for me because the world around me wanted me to slow down.

it was a mixture of fear and anger. which was 2016. that was a darkest year. that was a reflective year.

but 2017 was learning to overcome my fear and realising that the world is a million times bigger than me. and nothing i do matters, the world will keep going round.

2018 was a year of taking my superficial fear (like jumping off cliffs and boats and shooting guns) and approaching the scariest thing ever. The real world, Real life. It was a year of finishing my degree and really thinking about what i wanted to with my life. I was over working in retail, in the job that was insanely easy (which i loved in 2016-2017 because it was safe) but i came to realise that safe was boring.

that i was wasting my energy and talents.

but not its time

2019 is going to be me in the real world

im scared, but im as ready as ill ever be

in thailand w the SEA boys. NYE

new years climbing a sooty display? i shouldnt have been climbing it in the first place

singapore w bae. i love him

hom w bae. i love him

my girls <3 so beautiful

ahh Ella, she is honestly so sweet <3

fav boys

beach daze

selfie w mr floppy

finally graduated

Kendrick Lamar <3

seeing Lana on my Bday <3

SUE GOT MARRIED <3

Lucky crossed the rainbow bridge, i miss him everyday

again w the girls

bobby baby graduated <33333

another year with this dickhead. #clingygf

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS BLONDE

ew! tbh

baby collin is a big boy graduate now

grandmas amazing dragon fruit

i miss her everyday. i hope she is ok in cambodia. one day she will call australia home

hopefully next year peanut, andrew and i will be in a happier and healthier home

obviously another year of kik

things to look forward to in the new year

new job
(hopefully) moving out of home
japan and singapore
beach house
i really wanna go on a cruise

2017

[[[[[[ this was meant to be posted halfway through 2018... whoops! ]]]]]]]

I havent made a post about 2017 yet.

so here it is

Last year i made the decision that i wasnt going to make a new years resolution but instead i have a list of achievements

got a dog
started cooking/meal prepping
got a tattoo
stopped meds
shot a gun/went to a gun range
did markets
saved 5g
watched a horror movie (i would refuse to watch anything scary)
drove to canberra and back
new bed frame
went to get prac
a femme affair
went to snakehips
escape room
fixed phone instead of getting another
best name for a dog (thhanks for the idea jess haha)
paid off my debt
dyed hair for the first time
went to japan & Korea
travelled with my best friend
spilt milk
went to cambodia
went to melbourne
went to yoga classes
made $100 on art
pet an elephant (questioning whether or not i should be proud of this one)
made business cards
finished 1 sec a day
attended a drag show
went to "full moon party" (actually the new years party)
went to vietnam
went to Taiwan
went to Thailand
Rode an ATV
pet a cow
went through vietnam tunnets
ate bugs
ate happy pizza
rode in the back of a high speed uta
swam in a cave

From ym 2017 video
my room i de cluttered now getting an office space
be more mindful
meditated
more self acceptance
being by myself and being a better version of myself
working on me(drawing and painting again)
ate new foods
reading (getting into reading and philosophy)
excited to get money

bf

im obsessed w my bf again

this is very tiny but makes me smile

andrew had been sleeping over at my house coz he has a lot of mozzies there

ive been offering my house to him but he doesnt want to sleep over

and then i receive a call from andrew and he is whinging like

"its soo hooooooottt" like a baby - he doesnt even say hi or hello just ITS HOOOT

and im like fuck off ur not staying over you rejected me

and he was like "fine, bye"

and he hung up on me and then i instantly call him back and he is like

...

"its soo hooooooottt" like a baby - he doesnt even say hi or hello just ITS HOOOT

and im like of course you can stay ova

:) idk i love him

i just love being around him and listening to him and just

companionship <3

also one morning when i was getting ready for work (and he was over)

he was like wow is that how you dress to school

and im like yeh

and he was like hrumph dont look too good (for the boys at the school)

thats the closest im ever going to get to a compliment from him

but it still made me smile :)

i think he likes it when i look a little professional hahah
compared to my sluttier outfits

I miss my grandma

songs

i woke up at 6:58 AM very sad very depressed so i started to write

how could you be so cold yet feel so warm?

Ive got big blue tears running out my eyes
straight to my thighs
i want to die
i want it all to end here
but then i feel you near
your smell, your embrace
get me out of this place
and then you do
because its you

so you think youre better than everyone?
But youve got it all wrong
now all youve got is a song
if you heard youself speak
when you peak
when you preach
your mold begins to shatter
the holes begin to crack
i need you back
with the gold, keeping you together
your flaws shining
you let your wings weather
then you begin climbing
bruised hands
bruised soul
the real you is old
who are you?where youve been?
hidden, unseen
i need you
i miss you
not this fool
with too much pride
go die
dont hide
be you, be true
the you i knew
not this phoney
if only-
you saw your potential
your light
its detrimental
for you to take flight

warm bad day

my depression has really been kicking my ass the fast few weeks,
ususlly when the sun is up, i am more motivated and happy

but recently everything has been feeling black and white.

im especially down today because i was meant to start a new diet. i was so excited, i bought all the ingredients for it and then i realised that each meal takes too long to cook, the instructions are complicated and i need specific ingredients to do this.

I have even went out of my way to get it, bt i got so tired today and making one dish took me 1h!!
it wasnt worth it.

i couldnt even get past day one

im trying not to bash myself up for it tho, i am still going to try and use whatever left over ingredients i have, ill return the ones i dont need and i am going to give myself rules in regards to how to eat/just try and eat better.

my sleeps have been bad too. they arent awake all night tossing and turning ones. but black out ones. where i would be too sad to move or get out of bed and i just konk out. i think i have only 2 types of sleeps - depression sleeps and anxiety sleeps.

i havent really though about what i am going to do after dymocks... i havent even started writing a resume !
i know i need to but i am scared

i am scared i wont enjoy the work. i feel very dead-end ish

like nothing will be fulfilng

gosh i hate dymocks. i get so miserable. sometimes i feel like im talking and no one is really listening. theyre just on their phones.

today was a nice day. i got to walk peanut, but i had an anger inside of me. like a pain is bubbling over me. im starting to get headaches where i have my hair up. but i think its cause it got wacked my a book the other day

i am just rambling now..

but i am sad. im really really sad. i feel gross and stuck and sick. i want to be away. i want to feel happy, i want to relax. i want to healthy. i just wish i had a friend who understood everything i am going through. someone to cry with, someone- just someone knew i guess ..

just something new. it was day off today - i woke up - dropped off my bro at school - was on my phone for ages - went to the shops came home - cooked a little - picked up my bro from school - continued cooking - finally finished cooking - ate (very bad food) - walked peanut - took a nap - woke up - ate again. it was a long and exhausting day. i think i need to get out of this house?

when i woke up from my nap i was in a trance. my dad stared at me and asked me what was wrong. instead of saying nothing i told him. i told him about the cooking and the diet and he was shocked cause i usually say nothing. but then he started rambling about how it i did everything in one time i can get it done in 40 min. lol that wasnt true but it was comforting that he tried.

ive also made a bitter realisation

i think the reason why i never want to go out anymore is so that no one can hurt me or make me angry or make me frustrated. i just want to be able to leave the house happy and calm and not have y blood boil

i feel like to too comfortable with where i am right now. like i dont want to go out htere cause i am scared that people will meet me and hurt me and judge me . . .

i feel like im watching everyone and no one is watching me

i just feel fragile all the time

the sickness is coming back

please make it stop..

I miss the sound of wind on a hot summers night

11:30 on Friday the 13th July 2018

Hello blogger peeps

I’ve been feeling really down lately. I’ve overcome a huge hurdle in my life and I still feel deeply unsatisfied.

Andrew tells me just give yourself a break! Like I’m trying too but it’s hard. I’m itching to move to the next thing but im too lazy to do anything about it.

Going back to dymocks was so bloody hard for me. Like Jess used to complain all the time about about going to dymocks felt like a huge step back for her and I never felt that way. I was extremely content with where I was but after finishing my final hurdle I feel very. Over it. Like my days are slow and nothing is happening and time is frozen and nothing means anything !!!

I need a new job. A new life a new something.

I’ve also been reflecting on how much I fucking miss summer. Summer bummer. I’m so sad.

I’m starting to doze. I have work tomorrow.

I don’t want to be there.

Sleep time!

Catch up soon

MarZ

Count your blessings

some words stuck with me during the last 6 weeks

this is either make you or break you

count your blessings

those 2 lines kept me strong, every time i felt depressed or anxious i would hear those words in my head, and although i wasnt strong at the time, i kept repeating it until i felt that little bit stronger.

this long weekend was the first time in a long time i felt strong enough to relax. I have been extremely highly strung for the last six weeks, but now i feel content with my abilities and i know what I am doing/where i am going

Lets talk about the quotes...

on week 4 of my 9 week journey i was told my someone "i told myself that this will wither make me or break me and here i am today". i have been broken down and beaten down before. and it isnt fun. its really self depreciating and you really lose a part of yourself when it happens. I knew what happened to me made me lose a big part of myself and i didnt realise it at the time.

But after she said that, i told myself i am going to be strong and re-grow the thing that i have lost, maybe grow something better? So i could either give up or go through hell. I chose to go through hell, everyday i will go through hell because when i look back at the other days i have realised i have made it. and it made me (and continues to make me) stronger.

If you are going through hell keep going

I kept telling myself if i cant do this what CAN'T i do in the future? i said "you are going to get through this because you came all this way to just give up? nah, no"

there is that one folk tale of a man who dung a hole looking for gold and when he gave up another man continued to dig his hole he found the gold instantly

so why did i put myself through all this pain just to give up right at the end of the tunnel???

I remind myself everyday that i am persistent and smart and passionate and kind and sweet

which leads me to my next quote

count your blessings

I have no money

no time

no ideas

no food

no nutin'

but i have friends and family

andrew takes money out of his pocket to feed me

andrew dropping off my little brother at school

my family takes money out of their pocket to help me transport myself

my friends and family take time out of their lives to carry me

jess phan spends her sundays cooking me food to ensure i have the nutrition to get through the day

jess garcia calling me everyday, throwing resources at me and ensuring im ok

i have friends

where when i am at my weakest and darkest points

screaming motivation at me to keep me going

every time i tell myself count your blessings i see my amazing friends

and i never feel bad or guilty for what i am doing because i know they love me and they know i would do the same for them and that i love them more than anything and that i will make it up to them

I am incredibly lucky to have the friends, family, and partner that i have. honestly i dont know what or where i would be without them.

i have a warm bed

i have amazing friends

i have caring family

i have a loyal dog

i have a caring boyfriend

i have a roof over my head

i have a car that works

i am very lucky

i really am

i need to remind myself everyday that i am

also here is a list of things i am excited to do when i am finished

wash peanut (he is soooo stinky)
vaccinate peanut
service car
kendrick lamar!!
WHAT SO NOT
make a vision board
watch the Blackkklansman
watch the Isle of Dogs
mary jane ;)
plan andrews bday (shhh)
buy a graduation dress
throw a party
go to the MCA
finish watching arrested developemnt
hang out with - ruth, chet, sue, hellen
celebrate my little brothers birthday'
clean my room (omg i am legit so ready to!!)
clean my car
wedding exp
MAKING MONEY (I AM SO FUCKING POOR

Saturday, how're things going?

some people know what i am currently doing

but a lot of people dont and i rather not mention anything cause i rather not jinx it

i have been feeling very depressed and overwhelmed and this has been only in the last- what? 8 hours? before that i was rather relaxed, chill and happy, but something in me flipped and i became this stress head.

i have been a super duper stress head recently and it is not cute, not cute at all for anybody

I was going to make a post about saturday and how happy i was

essentially i was trying to get some work done and i had no motivation what so ever! so then i asked andrew, bobs, huynh and jess to do some work with me. but the problem was that jess couldnt come and i wanted to do work a the university of western sydney

so then jess gave me her card (key, access to the uni) and off I, bobs, huynh and andrew went to campbelltown, but we went at a really late hour (around 2 or 3) and we were planning to shop SOOoOooOO we went shopping then decided to do work hahaha (because we were planning to work for 2 hours and we arrived at 2-3 meaning we would shop at 4 and the shopping centre closes at 5:30 and we cant have that !!!!!

so yeah we shopped and i was a little bit stressed we werent going to get work done, but had fun because bobs and i could shop for make up (i finally got spanked!!!! by fenty!! yay it looks good on me) and I could banter with huynh and andrew

when i got home that night i couldnt help but feel happy and nostalgic. i hate feeling nostalgic, its like i feel bad for being where i am today? i dont want to be fixated on the past but be ready for the future

this is becoming gloomy when it was actually a postive day for me. its so frustrating

these mood swings, they come out of nowhere and i know its all in my head - but do i?

sometimes i feel like everyone is out to get me and attack me or hurt me and i get really upset. i dig up this little hole and bury myself in it but a minute ago i had a high

who knows whats wrong with me. all i know is that i am trying to fix it. nothing really seems to be working, yet

everything is slipping away from me. i just dont know what to do about my feelings

all i do all day is listen to motivational videos, i tell myself it is all in my head but it is not enough, nothing is ever enough

ugh I HATE FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF ITS SO STUPID

its midnight

its technically midnight right now

and all i can think of right now is this video

ive been a little sick in the head lately, like really stuck

very blurry vision and a lot of crying and just secluding myself

then i watch Natalia lafourcade and i feel like her voice physically pulled me our of my rut

i guess it was a depression rut, i felt very, what is the point of everything if i just die right now blah blah everything means nothing

that was going through my mind, i dont know when it stared, but it really sunk into my core

and i knew it was happening, the whole depression thing but it was really hard to shake off

i knew i needed inspiration, i needed something to give me heart eyes and make me feel like it was ok, but i couldnt find it and nothing cheered me up

maybe its because im another year older

who knows. but im content now

everything will be ok everything feels ok right now

im planning to make a blog post about experiences that make me happy so i hope it cheers me up

maybe ill make another blog ?

bye