sometimes i feel like im broken
i feel like im walking around with a huge crack, a huge split that roots and rots from my heart and slowly creaks and cracks across my body
sometimes i just want to scream
i want my skin to melt
i want to be a puddle in the ground seeping deeper and deeper into the dirt
hoping that when i have reached deep enough in the dirt that i reach totally nothingness
sometimes i just want to pick on my chest and keep picking and picking until i bleeds and it gets deeper and deeper until i can pull my heart out
and i want to hold my heart in my hand
seeing it beat and seeing that it isnt actually broken
but why does it feel that way? why does it hurt
and then it rots to black and i reach a numbness where i cant feel pain anymore
right now i can hear it beating
a pulsating all over my body and with every beat is spreads this short lingering pain
like /beat/ hurt .. its slightly gone and then beat
it hurts again
a constant beating pain that shakes me and makes me fragile
it makes me tired
it makes me want to crawl in bed
it wants to envelop me so i cant move so i can constantly feel that way
i keep looking at my hands hoping it will tell me what to do but i know it cant
i can see them shake and when i see them shake i breathe faster and faster and faster until the rest of the world is black like nothing around me exists and this whole time ive been in an alternate reality
like ive been living another life
and someone taps on my shoulder and its sunny and i smile
and i realise this life was just a nightmare
then i close my eyes and open them
look at my hands again try and tell myself what is real and what isnt
sadly everything is real
sometimes i feel so i numb i twitch my head back
as if to snap me out of it
as if there is something behind me that will tell me that everything is ok
all of these things i feel and i keep hoping the pain is going to get so intense that it reaches a climax and it doesnt hurt anymore
but when the intensity starts, peaks and drops, the hurt doesnt go away, it just lingers there in the numbness of everything
i was tossing and turning last night, in a dream, it wasnt a nightmare
but it was me screaming
youre depressed again youre depressed again youre depressed again
it kept screaming at me until i got up
and i woke up to my heart in my mouth
the anxiety took over
i got up peed and forced myself back to sleep.
i guess im depressed again
i know im stronger than this
but it gonna be a painful and lonely ride
i hate talking to people about it
people who truly dont understand
who would brush it off like its not real
like all of my feelings are not real
but they are real
the pain is real
the beating is real
the screams are real
the lack then snap back into reality is real
the never ending darkness is real
im not crazy
youll just never understand
and i guess that is why i'm so lonely
omg another feeling i have is that my body is so heavy in sadness that my arm will just fall off
on a side side note #justdepressionthings
I was talking to my friend and giving her relationship advice and I was like that she has to remember that her partner isnt perfect like how she isnt perfect. if she expects her partner to accept her flaws she needs to accept his
and i said "look i've met myself and im crazy"
She: "what? haha you "met yourself" U sure!?
me; um yeahhhh
she: how, how can you meet yourself ?
me: um THERAPY ?
we had a gud laf about it #mentalillnesses