warm bad day

my depression has really been kicking my ass the fast few weeks,
ususlly when the sun is up, i am more motivated and happy

but recently everything has been feeling black and white.

im especially down today because i was meant to start a new diet. i was so excited, i bought all the ingredients for it and then i realised that each meal takes too long to cook, the instructions are complicated and i need specific ingredients to do this.


I have even went out of my way to get it, bt i got so tired today and making one dish took me 1h!!
it wasnt worth it.

i couldnt even get past day one

im trying not to bash myself up for it tho, i am still going to try and use whatever left over ingredients i have, ill return the ones i dont need and i am going to give myself rules in regards to how to eat/just try and eat better.

my sleeps have been bad too. they arent awake all night tossing and turning ones. but black out ones. where i would be too sad to move or get out of bed and i just konk out. i think i have only 2 types of sleeps - depression sleeps and anxiety sleeps.


i havent really though about what i am going to do after dymocks... i havent even started writing a resume !
i know i need to but i am scared

i am scared i wont enjoy the work. i feel very dead-end ish

like nothing will be fulfilng

gosh i hate dymocks. i get so miserable. sometimes i feel like im talking and no one is really listening. theyre just on their phones.


today was a nice day. i got to walk peanut, but i had an anger inside of me. like a pain is bubbling over me. im starting to get headaches where i have my hair up. but i think its cause it got wacked my a book the other day



i am just rambling now..

but i am sad. im really really sad. i feel gross and stuck and sick. i want to be away. i want to feel happy, i want to relax. i want to healthy. i just wish i had a friend who understood everything i am going through. someone to cry with, someone- just someone knew i guess ..

just something new. it was day off today - i woke up - dropped off my bro at school - was on my phone for ages - went to the shops came home - cooked a little - picked up my bro from school - continued cooking  - finally finished cooking - ate (very bad food) - walked peanut - took a nap - woke up - ate again. it was a long and exhausting day. i think i need to get out of this house?

when i woke up from my nap i was in a trance. my dad stared at me and asked me what was wrong. instead of saying nothing i told him. i told him about the cooking and the diet and he was shocked cause i usually say nothing. but then he started rambling about how it i did everything in one time i can get it done in 40 min. lol that wasnt true but it was comforting that he tried.



ive also made a bitter realisation

i think the reason why i never want to go out anymore is so that no one can hurt me or make me angry or make me frustrated. i just want to be able to leave the house happy and calm and not have y blood boil

i feel like to too comfortable with where i am right now. like i dont want to go out htere cause i am scared that people will meet me and hurt me and judge me . . .

i feel like im watching everyone and no one is watching me

i just feel fragile all the time

the sickness is coming back



please make it stop..