Naruto

 

So I like to use this blog as an indicator to where I am and who I am as person as i grow older and older. 

And honestly at this point in my life I am so obsessed with Naruto it's not even funny. 

I have become a full on weeb during the lockdown and I love it. I know i always had it in me probably because of my dorky brothers and my cousins who introduced it to me and I have finally given in and I am in love. The story and characters are just so captivating I can't stop thinking about them and what they have been through. I can tell that this show has shifted something in me. There are always show and music and experiences that shape who I am as a person and this experience has actually made me a happier person. 

Over the past few months and not until recently have I felt like I am not mentally ill. Who knew an Anime could do that to me?

It makes me want to be a stronger person, so fight through all of my hurt and trauma and focus on my goals. I don't have a goal right now but I feel like I can do anything.

Maybe I am having a manic episode but on occasion where i question my mental illness or the mental illness of others I find myself thinking - 

If I were to die today, would I be happy with my life in this current moment? Would I have an regrets, and the question is no. 

Not until extensive therapy and soul searching have i felt that way.

I am extremely content with my life right now. 

Maybe it is because I had KBBQ with my friends last night

maybe its because my coworker is complimenting me

maybe its because my friend is helping me with my resume

In times like this when i ask for help I am so grateful that there is someone waiting for me on the other line, cheering for me

that when I am a mess when I am drunk i know at the end of the day, they wont hate me for that, that i have people who love me for who I really am 

just like naru- ok jokes

but seriously, i just wwanted to make a post about how i am during lockdown

and i feel like i finally remember who i was and who I am

the essence of who i will always be

and thats all thanks to my hard work 

I am so proud of myself 

and i should be

coz i am a boss ass bitch :) 

like Madara- ok ill stop

last day of uni

omg i found this post gonna upload :p

Random memory

How in first year first sem I just passed (legit my mark was 50) for 3 out of 4 courses and I had a HD on the last one so it kept my marks a float. The only reason why I had a HD was because everyone else did the assignment wrong but me hahah!!!!!

Or 

Also when i did history in first sem and i didnt hand in my assignement cause i couldnt find the box so i emailed the lady. when she was handing them out during class i didnt get mine

To the beautiful Yui, 

I just wanted to comment on your photo to say that you are absolutely stunning. I would love to be your Senpai. I have a full time job and i live in a two bed apartment with my cat Rufus, he likes your photos too. I work in an accounting firm called MJS plus ...

• last day of uni
• hanging out with jess and sanz
• clubbing with chanelle beams fest
• meeting the school 

Over 25

 Yh It's a Friday night

Me myself and I

Over twenty five

Tryna find the light

Tryna get it right

But if that's not tonight yh

Imma be alright

Uh Imma be just fine

Just thinkin, about being 26, I recently listened to 22 by Lily Allen and it always reminds me of this post:

https://emmcee-teenagedramaqueen.blogspot.com/2013/11/22.html 

I can't help but think that i am happier now than I ever was back then, i had so much pain and baggage, I cant believe I walked around thinking that pain was normal, that everyone else had the same experiences that I did

I look at myself in the mirror and in photos of 2021 and i see the wrinkles seep in, embedding me with wisdom. I hate it, and i hate that I hate it, saying to andrew the other day that I am going to get botox in between my eyebrows (honestly I totally would)

But then again, i am happy, being older, wiser, paving the way for the future generations. Figuring out who I really am and being happy with all of my many flaws.

I know this world isn't perfect, far from it, and thats ok, because that means I am imperfect in this far from perfect world

It's ok that my friends arent perfect, i fucking welcome it, I love it

and my family isnt perfect

my coworkers

students

everyone isnt perfect

I don;t know why i suddenly feel like this, maybe its because I know I will be ok

I am ok with working, with having friends and dropping them if they do no serve me anymore (and not getting offended if I don't serve them anymore)

I am no longer confined by my social anxiety, i seriously stopped caring about what others thought of me and focused on my self worth, something I did not have when I was 5, 10, 12, 16, 18, 20, 22 etc. 

Now that I am 26 and working and still with the same friends I had in 2012, I feel very blessed, happy and content with life, especially when I speak to people who are much older than me

who arent as blessed as me;

unlike them i didn't listen to my parents when it came to certain things

I can see their rocky and dirty path that I never followed, 

the path of forced love, breeding, greed for money, and the ignorance their parents passed on to them

I always felt like an outsider, a wallflower watching a system I didn't quite understand

I tried to fit the mould of said system only to realise that is fucking hurt me when I tried to fit into the square when I was in fact round and sharp in all the wrong places. 

I found my people, who were also sharp and round in all the wrong places. 

Fuck i cant even begin with the fucked up things people have told me about their lives, like you are meant to be older, wiser, more understanding, 

but empathetic people are really fucking rare

I don;t know, i guess there are bad people in life, and when you come across them, just let them solidify your views and values, 

That's what I do, 

I am finally happy with who I am, 

Happy with the people I have selected to be in my life, 

Happy that I am 26, and moving onto 27.

Who knows what my 30's will bring me, 

unlike me when I was 18 in 2013, I don't want to write a list of things I am hoping would happen, because things will happen naturally, unexpectedly, 

and honestly, 

with the resilience I have now

i am fucking ready for anything

p.s.

I still love Naruto 

week 2

ok now i am over it

honestly i was really happy about the lock down, term 2 made me so exhausted i just wanted to rest, but now i hate being home just sitting in my nasty ass room, 

i have cleaned it multiple times mind you

and 

i am starting to lose it

i have been hanging with the others IN OUTDOOR SETTINGS AND YES THEY HAVE BEEN VACCINATED 

but bleh~ 

i am sad

depressed

bored

and obsessed with naruto but still im so 

depressed 

i feel like i am in a dream, 

i dont want to go back to work but i want to go back to something, 

but i am so tired

so soso sosososooso tired

i hate everything

ohe yeah i was meant to see a therapist, hmm

wall paper

 

Here is my attempt of making an organised wallpaper 

left alone - flume featuring chet faker

Oh, I tell you something more

What my brain is bleeding for

And it hurts, my darling

But I breathe out sorrow

---

I took the day off today, maybe the depression is back, 

maybe im tired 

I just feel burnt out, tired, I really want to work hard and I try my best to do so but I know the work I am giving it not me - I will admit aspects of it are still good but again

its the excess paper work stuff I can't handle

I cant handle the people I am working with- theyre not bad people but the fucking drama is mind numbing

I also have a lot of "friends"/ people I am obligated to talk to

I feel like everyone wants to talk at me and not to me

I guess i am feel lonely, maybe I dont know

I dont feel particularly happy right now,

i have been going out every single day and it is a lot

I have been eating junk and maybe that is what is killin my mood and my body

I was fasting but i stopped 

idk where i am going with this 

but i just want to be left alone

in a bubble 

by myself

maybe. i just miss the sun  

i fawgottt

 um hey 2nd post i guess hehe

twnety twent

Whoops i forgot to post 3 times this month so i guess a bulk of it is comin~

This is the 2020 scrap book, dont open the tab, just click this first pic and swipe through :)

This is just a dump of rando things hehehe 

2nd day

 

Hey guys, 

This is the second day of term 1 2020.

The past 2 days have been just Professional Learning stuff like CPR etc.

I wonder how this year is gonna go. I am very hopeful. I am not really happy with the person i've become over the last year. Full of negativity, stress, anger and depression. But I am hopeful about this year. 2020 was a nice break but not its time for myself to get back to it. 

I feel like something is missing from my life, I dont know what it is, but i hope this year i'll  figure it out.

I am currently in my room listening to the playlist linked above. Very Lo-fi. 

I'll admit something right now. I think typing it will be good for me. 

I have been addicted to my phone/ social media. Maybe thats why i feel unhappy? Well I can't stop using youtube and instagram.

I am also obsessed with stan and netflix. Its like I can't work without something in the background. I feel like i can't even watch 1 show for too long. 

Now that I am back to work i feel grateful for having a routine again. 

I hope i lose some weight while I am work.

The way I look has really fucked up my mental health.

gOd when will i stop feeling sorry for myself?

I am so sick of it

Please Maria, This year, all you need to do is love yourself. Nourish your body and soul. 

bye.

also note to self-

I think I am going to take a picture of myself every time i post. Just to remind myself of what I look like. Let hope things change

Also short story- 

One time my co-worker wanted to show me a photo (maybe of her daughter or grand daughter) and she was flicking through her phone and a picture of her crying appeared. I swiped back on the photo and was like wtf!?!??! and she was like "I was crying and I wanted to take a photo of myself crying"

and im like wow relatable

this lady has also spanked my ass and one of our first conversations together she told me she had 2 abortions - shes and older lady too

idk i love her idgaf attitude 

love her 

short

a song im vibing to! 

i am currently chillin in my room growing more and more anxious about work

i really rewally really hate how i look, i think its getting to the point of not wanting to show my body anymore

i have hopes and dreams about being skinny again but i dont kn ow if i wanna put in the effort.

last year it was really working for me but this year.. this year feels off

bleh

i just feel depressed i guess, no reasons to be sexy fit and hot

pls go away covid 

 

ew a depressed piece of shit

 sometimes when I am super super bored I go through my old Tumblr posts (typing in page/5000) and it sends me back to 2017!! and this was a hilarious post i laughed pretty hard when i saw it

any who i am depressed again - but i am also trying to post more often this year. 

I am currently listening to nude by radio head 

- i totally forgot about this song until i watched the skins promo videos (which are so damn good)

season 1

season 2

season 3

also this vine x skins vid kills me

I feel so dumb/toxic or im baby when i watch shows like skins or listen to lana del rey cause it makes me want to be drugged up and party and be a slut 

i dont know sometimes i get scared that i will resent andrew for not having a slut phase - i do wish i have one sometimes, but when andrew does cute shit for me like give me cuddles and kisses im like - nothing compares. 

i guess some things in life you will never know 

this post is gonna be about bobs and how much i miss him - i didnt realise how much i missed him until maybe a month ago and now i think about him everyday- all the jokes we used to make, music we listened to and movies we watched. 

i saw a snap or collin and jess hanging out just as best friends and i was like wow i havent been able to sit with bobs and talk shit and put on make up for almost a year and it made me really emotional

it made me more emotional listening to atl-j (Taro/Hunger of the pine/Every other freckle/ matilda) and i realised that I dont have any other friends that i can enjoy that with.

man i need more artsy friends.

What makes me feel more isolated is that I dont have any other friends that can fill that void (except for one coworker but he has a gf so i dont want it to be weird) 

Like i just keep remembering how we said that we were each others soul mates, and now that he is on the other side of the world i really do feel like a piece of my soul is missing. 

sometimes i find myself hanging with the group and i just feel like something is missing, 

its bobs cheering me on from the side lines and reading my mind 

it really really sucks when your soul mate that you really speak another language is gone- 

I love andrew but he isnt my soul mate, he loves me- but he doesnt GET me if you know what i mean. like he doesnt get why i do the things that i do and why certain things make me feel~~

i dont knw- sometimes im like - i want a creative friend but i dont know where to find them ... where do i start? and how do i find someone who isnt a phony???

idk 

---

i love my job, but i feel like the reputation you need is restricting me (??)

i especially  love my coworkers, its nice to actually be around young HIP people who like to laugh and not take life too seriously .. but the politics is starting to get in the way

this year i wanna start saying NO more and this quote really really resonated with me 

I am stuck with people i DO NOT LIKE and i am trying to say no to them the but retail me it really getting in the way. I have added this quote to my vision board- but that is for another post

right now this is about me being sad and bored 

i dont find things stimulating anymore

especially  music, i am listening to some music i used to listen to in high school and i actually really miss music with guitars (?) like i never really noticed how unconventional rock or even pop rock is nowadays??

ok wait hear me out

I have been watching there "remember (enter year)" videos - i watched from 2000-2018 really and i noticed a huge raise in rnb and electronic music

and it made me think - wow we dont really get bands anymore

for the class of 2012- next year is our 10 year reunion can you believe !!

also this one reminds me of my childhood

ok bye ill talk to youse s00n

all time favs song 4 emotional upheaval 

-chamber of reflection - mac demarco

- 505 - arctic monkeys

-most beautiful girl in the room - flight of the concords 

- because - beatles