This is a post it note for this week
I have been wanting to make a blogpost for a while but never got around to doing it.
A blogpost that i have lined up it called wait but i guess you have to WAIT for it hehehe hahaha
Ive been feeling very falloofy these days
I know its not a word but i cant really define how I ultimately feel
Its very caught inbetween but sometimes i flicker but mainly im content and a lil stressed
Not anxiety ridden stress like omg im gonna die and everyone is gonna hate me etc. (not mentally ill vers. Of maz)
But more ahhh so much to do so little time especially now that the gym is in my routine
Idk maybe the big issue is that i used to get work done in the morning but im struggling to get up and once its the end of the day i get too tired
I know that i want to wake up early tomorrow and go to work super early (try and get work done before my 8AM meeting) but i know i might skip the meeting and sleep especially since its late right now and its raining
Idk im just struggling w my energy but more about that next time
Like im trying to implement strategies to make myself less of a workaholic meaning that i work during work hours and leave work at work
This came about because during the last school holiday i completely threw work in the bin- i wouldnt even hang out with my coworkers because i didnt want to talk about work (im so scarred by it)
And i felt like myself again
You know the hipster emo gal who is sarcastic and a cunt and just not really caring what people think
I would get these flare ups of anger when people are doing dumb shit and i go to teacher mode
Which i hate bleh
Like i do like my job but its really robbing me of who i am sometimes. If anything i dont mind being a workaholic the bigger issue is that i become teacher mode all the time
I guess im trying to find the balance of who i am and who “ms chan” is. Im a lil like should they merge or seperate because of my personal opinion and i guess is it professional that line i guess.
I get really torn about career me. Like sometimes i would reminisce about uni me and it makes me really really sad that i never got to live my dreams but. What were my dreams ? Like be an artist? Do i want that? I wouldnt want to be an actress and again its that whole “work to live or live to work” argument.
Throughout highschool i always never wanted the domestic life. I wanted to explore the world and essentially be a whore.
But i am happy where i am now. Domesticated (ok not really LMAO) by andrew. I love LOVE having money. I love being to buy whatever i want. I love the idea of being able to buy a home and not rent for the rest of my life. Idk i love feeling proud of myself? I really am.
Like i know the job i am in is changing a life at a time.
It might not be a lot and i might be forgotten but im doing something to impact someones life.
I think my biggest fear is that i resent andrew in a few years when we are married and have kids. Like do i resent him now? Who knows.
I guess i feel like im in a crisis? I am so happy but i think in an alternative universe would i be happy?
But when i do travel i het the blues and get depressed?
Like i dont know
There are so many thinks i dont know
But on the flip side
I know so much. What i think, feel, and experience is so rare. A lot of people will never understand what i understand. Even some of my friends will never understand what i have felt and currently feel.
The more i think about the more im like hmm. Maybe the issue is that i find some of my workmates boring/ not relatable?
But they are my workers? I dont need to connect with them
Or is it that i havent been able to meet new people? Maybe being the social butterfly i am im sad i dont get to meet new like minded people. A lot of people i meet arent as artsy or into the things i am in
Maybe thats why i feel happy yet lonely.
But where can i meet these people?
Hm
Ok i just kissed andrew goodnight
Gonna kiss you guys good night,
Have a good rest and sweet dreams.
P. S. I love meeting new people and getting to really know them. Finding out their little quirks and listening to their silly anecdotes. I dont know i find it all intoxicating. And sometimes i meet people who love such plain lives and i love trying to get them to come out of their shells or make them see the world as such a colourful and interesting play thing. Idk life is so full and amazing. Yet so devastating? Hm