for those of you who do not know, i am on a one month south east asia trip with andrew, collin and eeh
i have finally hit my emotional breaking point
i spent last night crying on a plane because i was stressed out about the drama that was unfolding around me
oh, there is one more thing you should know, i am very very very emotional and love to clash heads
i build up a lot of thoughts in my mind and when my emotions take over, i am like a raging bull. but it was hard because these boys that i am with are nothing like that.
simply- they are boys, they are very "forgive and forget"
but being as emotional as i am and emotionless as they are (ok they are not emotionless, just extremely less emottional than i am) i get upset
i feel a hyper version of what they are feeling, when i sense collin is uncomfortable i get extremely uncomfortable and annoyed, when i sense andrew is angry i get extremely angry and annoyed, when i sense eeh is upset i get upset and annoyed-
i cant help it, and i want to say something, but the boys immediately get over it and im still here annoyed.
I want to yell, and assess and stress, and fix and cry and then ill get over it and they all know how i feel about this situation, and how each other feel about the situation
i have bitten my tongue so hard during this trip because i know that it is all in my head and i should not let it effect me, but with depression and anxiety in the mix- its kinda hard not to suddenly cry on a plane.
that is why i needed to be alone.
i am going to admit, my hyper sensitivity is a result of no me time.
i create lists in my head and i dream and i draw and i cry and i bum around
but it is a lot harder when you arent in your own home and constantly surrounded by your best boy friends.
We have become a lot closer over these pass few weeks. I love them so much so dearly, but MAN i just need my own time
I have really developed a relationship with myself over the past year, at it became increasingly hard remembering who i was when i was around these boys
(because i am an emotional sponge)
like i cant even lie down in a bed without feel like it wasnt mine
i cant walk around naked, i cant shower for too long and i cant even have a long enjoyable stinky poop without feel embarrassed if the smell would ~linger~
thats why i miss bobs so much, he was a grot like me ( i guess i could be my entire self around him)
i would walk around in our little airBnB with my tiddies out and shit and snort and cough and sleep in and just not get too tied down with plane rides and courtesy
with collin and eeh and andrew they are all SO NEAT hahahahha
they always lock their bags before we leave, they always change their clothes in the toilet after a shower (something i do not do at home, i sit in my towel for like an hour), they look up safe places to eat instead of wondering around and choosing a place we like, they (a habit they have changed) would always take travalan before any meal and care about the ice in cups. [[to be very fair we are in south east asia and i have a stomach of STEEL plus i am a lAZy PrinC3SS]]
I know if i were with bobs it would be nothing like that. We would spend a day waking up at 1 pm, leave at 3 pm, face beat, and stopping at the first coffee place we see to have a coffee and sit there for an hour before we head back to the AirBnB for a nap.
I miss those chill days, and i am glad i have bobs, the complete opposite of andrew. Andrew is the worlds most uptight traveller, his no1 quote is "did u not look it up??? >:(" with me and bobs its was- THIS LOOKS CUTE< LETS GO IN
:(
plus we love art galleries, i have a blast in any art gallery i am in but i know that collin and andrew arent as into it as i am, i think eeh is ok with it. but i dont want to waste their day doing something i like when they could be out doing something they like
but on a side note, these boys are lovely to be around. its always a laugh and roasting fun filled days.
There will always be an issue with travelling with anyone. you just have to make sure it does not take over the trip. and these boys are really good at not letting minor incidents take over the trip.
But i need to be me for a day
i just want to feel me again, and writing all of this down is making me feel more and more like me again
i just want to play music out loud, sit in a skirt with my undies out and not have to talk to anyone, or hear voices around me, or not feel pressured like we arent doing enough on this trip. I dont want to be constantly asked by andrew "u bored?" "u ok?" "Wot r we gonna do now?" like omg let me ~~~chill~~~ (when he asks me stuff like that i know he is just checking up on me and it rather sweet when its not asked 20 times within an hour)
i think i just want to be comfortable
i just want to be LAZY
do things at MY own pace
anyway i feel a lot better
i got to roll around on this bed, listen to loud tunes, didnt think of anyone but me
:)))))
i love myself again
bye