The past 2 days have been just Professional Learning stuff like CPR etc.
I wonder how this year is gonna go. I am very hopeful. I am not really happy with the person i've become over the last year. Full of negativity, stress, anger and depression. But I am hopeful about this year. 2020 was a nice break but not its time for myself to get back to it.
I feel like something is missing from my life, I dont know what it is, but i hope this year i'll figure it out.
I am currently in my room listening to the playlist linked above. Very Lo-fi.
I'll admit something right now. I think typing it will be good for me.
I have been addicted to my phone/ social media. Maybe thats why i feel unhappy? Well I can't stop using youtube and instagram.
I am also obsessed with stan and netflix. Its like I can't work without something in the background. I feel like i can't even watch 1 show for too long.
Now that I am back to work i feel grateful for having a routine again.
I hope i lose some weight while I am work.
The way I look has really fucked up my mental health.
gOd when will i stop feeling sorry for myself?
I am so sick of it
Please Maria, This year, all you need to do is love yourself. Nourish your body and soul.
bye.
also note to self-
I think I am going to take a picture of myself every time i post. Just to remind myself of what I look like. Let hope things change
Also short story-
One time my co-worker wanted to show me a photo (maybe of her daughter or grand daughter) and she was flicking through her phone and a picture of her crying appeared. I swiped back on the photo and was like wtf!?!??! and she was like "I was crying and I wanted to take a photo of myself crying"
and im like wow relatable
this lady has also spanked my ass and one of our first conversations together she told me she had 2 abortions - shes and older lady too
sometimes when I am super super bored I go through my old Tumblr posts (typing in page/5000) and it sends me back to 2017!! and this was a hilarious post i laughed pretty hard when i saw it
any who i am depressed again - but i am also trying to post more often this year.
I am currently listening to nude by radio head
- i totally forgot about this song until i watched the skins promo videos (which are so damn good)
season 1
season 2
season 3
also this vine x skins vid kills me
I feel so dumb/toxic or im baby when i watch shows like skins or listen to lana del rey cause it makes me want to be drugged up and party and be a slut
i dont know sometimes i get scared that i will resent andrew for not having a slut phase - i do wish i have one sometimes, but when andrew does cute shit for me like give me cuddles and kisses im like - nothing compares.
i guess some things in life you will never know
this post is gonna be about bobs and how much i miss him - i didnt realise how much i missed him until maybe a month ago and now i think about him everyday- all the jokes we used to make, music we listened to and movies we watched.
i saw a snap or collin and jess hanging out just as best friends and i was like wow i havent been able to sit with bobs and talk shit and put on make up for almost a year and it made me really emotional
it made me more emotional listening to atl-j (Taro/Hunger of the pine/Every other freckle/ matilda) and i realised that I dont have any other friends that i can enjoy that with.
man i need more artsy friends.
What makes me feel more isolated is that I dont have any other friends that can fill that void (except for one coworker but he has a gf so i dont want it to be weird)
Like i just keep remembering how we said that we were each others soul mates, and now that he is on the other side of the world i really do feel like a piece of my soul is missing.
sometimes i find myself hanging with the group and i just feel like something is missing,
its bobs cheering me on from the side lines and reading my mind
it really really sucks when your soul mate that you really speak another language is gone-
I love andrew but he isnt my soul mate, he loves me- but he doesnt GET me if you know what i mean. like he doesnt get why i do the things that i do and why certain things make me feel~~
i dont knw- sometimes im like - i want a creative friend but i dont know where to find them ... where do i start? and how do i find someone who isnt a phony???
idk
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i love my job, but i feel like the reputation you need is restricting me (??)
i especially love my coworkers, its nice to actually be around young HIP people who like to laugh and not take life too seriously .. but the politics is starting to get in the way
this year i wanna start saying NO more and this quote really really resonated with me
I am stuck with people i DO NOT LIKE and i am trying to say no to them the but retail me it really getting in the way. I have added this quote to my vision board- but that is for another post
right now this is about me being sad and bored
i dont find things stimulating anymore
especially music, i am listening to some music i used to listen to in high school and i actually really miss music with guitars (?) like i never really noticed how unconventional rock or even pop rock is nowadays??
ok wait hear me out
I have been watching there "remember (enter year)" videos - i watched from 2000-2018 really and i noticed a huge raise in rnb and electronic music
and it made me think - wow we dont really get bands anymore
for the class of 2012- next year is our 10 year reunion can you believe !!
also this one reminds me of my childhood
ok bye ill talk to youse s00n
all time favs song 4 emotional upheaval
-chamber of reflection - mac demarco
- 505 - arctic monkeys
-most beautiful girl in the room - flight of the concords
