Life Sucks

As you can see im not chipper, i am so depressed right now, it might be the fact that my uterus decided to go on a blood parade and i am feel nothing but regret.

I really liked this guy, i dont know why, i barely knew him but to me he was my dream man!

i let him slip away, why you ask?

i dont bloody know

i guess playing hard to get doesnt work huh?

now he is taken and im still a single lady and no one wants to put a ring on me.

Oh well!

Thats teenage drama for you!

And dear god im craving a bass! guitar that is.

im so passionate about that deep spine tingler but my parents to passionate on finding a lovely house.

Just this one thing will keep me happy and off the internet, but the problem is that i wont be able to afford lessons goddammit!!!!!!!!!!

i guess ill have to self teach, i kinda did bass tabs on guitar.

Oh why cant i have a talent in music, i wish i was able to sing but i sound like a pig dying, true story!

I hate life, i feel like i'l never find someone like me, who likes my music, my clothes, who llikes me, woah the last line made me laugh, well done maria you just became a cliche!

Lately ive been way to judgemental all ive been doing is dissing everything, everyone even myself. When i have a though i think to myself, did i just think that? am i the only one who talks to myself??? Because i constantly have a voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again, no im joking but im always stuck in my thoughs and i hate it, why cant i just not think?

When im alone my brains goes "hey maria you know what you havent thought about in ages? Monsters, regrets, hate, self image, oh and by the way your leg is itchy now!" and im just like FUCK YOU BRAIN!

Sometimes i think i am weird, your probably thinking, "oh yeah you think your random and funny, well everyone thinks that and theyre not" oh god why the fuck do i have such negative thoughts. But i think im different ive tried talking about particular things and i go "do you ever have that?" they look at me weird and say NO! and im like am i fucked up?

Why do i feel angry, empty and sad all the time?

why do i feel like a worthless little nothing and if i disappeared nothing will change?

Why do i feel so alone?

Why wont anyone understand me?

Why can't i just be happy?

Just for one day?

I hate being a teenager and i hate teenagers

just watching them makes me cringe with their cake face and mini-skirts i think, well done on being a whore!!!

want to "grow up"

wanting to drink

wanting to sleep around

just act your fucking age, sadly this is apparently the best time of our lives

shit just gets worst

and know that just makes me want to kill myself.

Oh Dear God, get me out of this state of Depression.

I fancy you with a passion, you're a top shop princess and a rockstar too

mutha fucka

yo its me maria (well who else would it be)

lets talk about life? ya? YA?

i know this sounds tacky, over rated, and a cliche but

my mums my hero, my dad doesnt deserve her honestly she has the heart of gold, and she taught me to open my eyes, look behind the curtains and tell me life could be worst so chin up.

When ever i complain or like wanna go somewhere she doesnt want me to go she tells me "maria i dont want you to go, but i do, i want you to have fun, but be safe, not everyone in the world is good, stick together, dont fray from the crowd."

and i try and look from her perspective

i mean if i had a daughter i would want her to be safe, honestly sometimes i feel like the only teenager who sees that, whenever i talk about wanting to go somewhere and i tell them i cant go the would try and influence me "look, just go only one time"

i feel like i cant im a mamas girl, i love love my mum.

But in all seriousness i used to want to be a "badass" i dont know why, i wanted to party, smoke, drink, drugs, sex. but now i dont, im kinda hipster, i dont wanna be like everyone else, i dont understand the concept of "drinking" i mean whats the point of getting shitfaced? why not just have fun sober? are you proud of what you doing? what are you doing this for? to impress your friends???

sighhhh fuck me i just dont understand sometimes how people brag on and on about how drunk they got one night. im just here like "mutha fucken internet biotch"

im satisfied with my life, i have a few mood swings here and there, but im happy with the person ive become.

i dont wanna sound up myself, but i feel as if im a good person, i see what other people dont, im an overthinker, and people dont see that. They think "oh maria fucking weird, she sees everything as a joke, happy go lucky" and im here caught up in my thoughts just constantly thinking about how fucked up our world is.

i mean people are out there constantly complaining about first world problems and im here thinking, how can you be so sad that your capped internet when people out there dont understand what that word means. 5 year olds killing themselves working for nothing trying to save their diseased family. i go into a spiral of depression when i over think. i cant stop thinking about how im living luxury wanting money, when someone out there just wants food, some clothes, some mother fucking tree to protect them from the sun. HOW THE FUCK CAN WE LIVE IN SUCH AN ADVANCED SOCIETY CREATING FUCKING I DONO HIGH TECH MACHINE GUNS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WHEN WE CANT FEED A FAMILY FOR ONE DOLLAR.

im living in the wrong era, everyones caught up in their own pathetic problems they forget a week later. i want to be in the 60,70s i want to protest, i want to do something in my life to change someone elses. in year 8 i wanted to going the peace corps. i wanted to be a teacher but now i want to be a social worker, work with abused women, troubled teens, really changing the world to a better place. those are the real heros. i just get really disgusted how people discriminate, i read an extremely hurtful comment to homosexuals, to freddie mercury, died of aids, someone wrote "im glad he died of a faggot disease" i literally felt sick i wanted to vomit i wanred to kill the person who wrote it i was so angry.

gosh im getting angry, shouldnt get worked up

i started this post about my mum, end with a corrupt

i just wanted to write that my mother donated our old clothes to disabled people and she told me as we drove away that she put $200 in one of the pockets and she said "its for charity" and smiled. My heart sank at that moment i wanted to cry of how blessed i am to have a mother like that. She raised us good, we drove past a window washer and my little brother marcel watched. as we drove off my brother said "i feel sorry for him" i asked why he said he didnt know and added "if i had money, i would give him $100". i love my mum, she taught me and my brothers not to be caught in our own problems and always have our hand out for others, you might get hurt, but at least your a good person. My mother has been hurt to much, to many people look down on her (not only cause shes short) they betray her, they push her away, but shes still there for them. i love her so much, shes too good to be true.

just like john lennon, he tried to bring peace and got shot, just like JFK just like Martin Luther King Jr just like Gandhi. all shot dead trying to make this world a better place.

WOAH

man i suck at keeping a blog

i always write like half a story give up

and never look at you for another million years

so hi again, person who will never read this!

how are you? GOOD? HUH GOOD?

yeah thought so biotch

SOMEONES BIPOLAR TODAY and a tad bit schizophrenic

HA! Anyways wassuup??

I am very bored and craving for a beatles fix

I am currently working on a poster called "lucy in the sky with diamonds"

It has a picture of a girl taking an lsd tab and have images linking to the song, yeahhh..

I had the idea for a while but never finished it

What else?

I got a type writer! LOVE IT TO BITS

I am writing memoirs to myself

Very VERY personal

i write about my raw feelings, things i would admit to no one.

Shouldnt of told you that... HA WHO CARES NO ONE IS READING THIS!

i also have a record player, i only 3 vinyls and i crave for more.

I love it to bits its so beautiful and just pure genius whoever created it

it has groves cut into it (the vinyls) and the needle picks up the sound

when i turn the volume all the way down you could still hear the tune the needle is picking up

simply beautiful

no one makes an effort to make something so beautiful anymore

I wil i lived in the 60s/70s

I could live in an era where something mattered

where they fought for something

Nowadays people are brain dead crying over talentless fools

Sigh how i yearn for new talent to enlighten my inner musician, i want to want to play the guitar again.

but i have to do with techo dance freaks with auto-tuned voices ugh!

sometimes i sound so fucking hipster.