Naruto

 

So I like to use this blog as an indicator to where I am and who I am as person as i grow older and older. 

And honestly at this point in my life I am so obsessed with Naruto it's not even funny. 

I have become a full on weeb during the lockdown and I love it. I know i always had it in me probably because of my dorky brothers and my cousins who introduced it to me and I have finally given in and I am in love. The story and characters are just so captivating I can't stop thinking about them and what they have been through. I can tell that this show has shifted something in me. There are always show and music and experiences that shape who I am as a person and this experience has actually made me a happier person. 

Over the past few months and not until recently have I felt like I am not mentally ill. Who knew an Anime could do that to me?

It makes me want to be a stronger person, so fight through all of my hurt and trauma and focus on my goals. I don't have a goal right now but I feel like I can do anything.

Maybe I am having a manic episode but on occasion where i question my mental illness or the mental illness of others I find myself thinking - 

If I were to die today, would I be happy with my life in this current moment? Would I have an regrets, and the question is no. 

Not until extensive therapy and soul searching have i felt that way.

I am extremely content with my life right now. 

Maybe it is because I had KBBQ with my friends last night

maybe its because my coworker is complimenting me

maybe its because my friend is helping me with my resume

In times like this when i ask for help I am so grateful that there is someone waiting for me on the other line, cheering for me

that when I am a mess when I am drunk i know at the end of the day, they wont hate me for that, that i have people who love me for who I really am 

just like naru- ok jokes

but seriously, i just wwanted to make a post about how i am during lockdown

and i feel like i finally remember who i was and who I am

the essence of who i will always be

and thats all thanks to my hard work 

I am so proud of myself 

and i should be

coz i am a boss ass bitch :) 

like Madara- ok ill stop

last day of uni

omg i found this post gonna upload :p

Random memory

How in first year first sem I just passed (legit my mark was 50) for 3 out of 4 courses and I had a HD on the last one so it kept my marks a float. The only reason why I had a HD was because everyone else did the assignment wrong but me hahah!!!!!

Or 

Also when i did history in first sem and i didnt hand in my assignement cause i couldnt find the box so i emailed the lady. when she was handing them out during class i didnt get mine

To the beautiful Yui, 

I just wanted to comment on your photo to say that you are absolutely stunning. I would love to be your Senpai. I have a full time job and i live in a two bed apartment with my cat Rufus, he likes your photos too. I work in an accounting firm called MJS plus ...

• last day of uni
• hanging out with jess and sanz
• clubbing with chanelle beams fest
• meeting the school 

Over 25

 Yh It's a Friday night

Me myself and I

Over twenty five

Tryna find the light

Tryna get it right

But if that's not tonight yh

Imma be alright

Uh Imma be just fine

Just thinkin, about being 26, I recently listened to 22 by Lily Allen and it always reminds me of this post:

https://emmcee-teenagedramaqueen.blogspot.com/2013/11/22.html 

I can't help but think that i am happier now than I ever was back then, i had so much pain and baggage, I cant believe I walked around thinking that pain was normal, that everyone else had the same experiences that I did

I look at myself in the mirror and in photos of 2021 and i see the wrinkles seep in, embedding me with wisdom. I hate it, and i hate that I hate it, saying to andrew the other day that I am going to get botox in between my eyebrows (honestly I totally would)

But then again, i am happy, being older, wiser, paving the way for the future generations. Figuring out who I really am and being happy with all of my many flaws.

I know this world isn't perfect, far from it, and thats ok, because that means I am imperfect in this far from perfect world

It's ok that my friends arent perfect, i fucking welcome it, I love it

and my family isnt perfect

my coworkers

students

everyone isnt perfect

I don;t know why i suddenly feel like this, maybe its because I know I will be ok

I am ok with working, with having friends and dropping them if they do no serve me anymore (and not getting offended if I don't serve them anymore)

I am no longer confined by my social anxiety, i seriously stopped caring about what others thought of me and focused on my self worth, something I did not have when I was 5, 10, 12, 16, 18, 20, 22 etc. 

Now that I am 26 and working and still with the same friends I had in 2012, I feel very blessed, happy and content with life, especially when I speak to people who are much older than me

who arent as blessed as me;

unlike them i didn't listen to my parents when it came to certain things

I can see their rocky and dirty path that I never followed, 

the path of forced love, breeding, greed for money, and the ignorance their parents passed on to them

I always felt like an outsider, a wallflower watching a system I didn't quite understand

I tried to fit the mould of said system only to realise that is fucking hurt me when I tried to fit into the square when I was in fact round and sharp in all the wrong places. 

I found my people, who were also sharp and round in all the wrong places. 

Fuck i cant even begin with the fucked up things people have told me about their lives, like you are meant to be older, wiser, more understanding, 

but empathetic people are really fucking rare

I don;t know, i guess there are bad people in life, and when you come across them, just let them solidify your views and values, 

That's what I do, 

I am finally happy with who I am, 

Happy with the people I have selected to be in my life, 

Happy that I am 26, and moving onto 27.

Who knows what my 30's will bring me, 

unlike me when I was 18 in 2013, I don't want to write a list of things I am hoping would happen, because things will happen naturally, unexpectedly, 

and honestly, 

with the resilience I have now

i am fucking ready for anything

p.s.

I still love Naruto