hot hot hot

hi me again, 

lets talk burn out 

I am meant to be doing reports and I have been doing nothing for the last 2 days. I can find the energy to do ANYTHING. I am depressed and tired and I just want the term to end. 

I havent felt inspired for a very long time and I feel like I am about to explode

I love my job sometimes but i also really hate it

there is a really terrible imbalance at this school

some people work their arses off and some do the bare minimum and live off of people who work so hard

I dont mind doing this work but please give me time to do it and let me do it with competent people

I dont know - i feel tired all the time and I am fucking sick of the drama at work. 

I

DO 

NOT

WANT

TO 

BE

AROUND

PEOPLE

WHO 

HATE

THEIR

LIVES 

OR 

ARE ANGRY

look i dont know but bro good vibes only. i feel like I cant have honest conversations with people. I feelsooooo full - like I am over pouring. I am really struggling to keep my head on. I have so many things to do and I am doing a lot of favours for people

last year i wouldve been so happy and excited to be doing the things that I am doing - but if it is a one off thing. Not a 3 times a week on top of teaching and on top of admin stuff.

I can handle the ordinary stuff - what i CAN NOT HANDLE is people making my fucking life harder

I love the attention and the validation but its getting to the point where I cant do what i said i can do and i am disappointing people

I am just so tired

I just want to teach

I want to see my students

I wanna sit in a room with them and talk to them and show they literature that I love

I am sick of making casual work and doing other shit that I don't get thanked for

i am sick of working so hard and having people fucking USE ME FOR A FUCKING RIDE

not only are they using me ANDDD using my name - they arent even saying that i am doing all the fukcngidzngonlgj eodib WORK

I dont know i am getting real sick and tired of running the show and having other people it was them

then they give me a half smile

a half thanks

a half apology

bro can i just get my reports done 

i just want 

i. want. time. 

i want to hang out with my friends

i want to have a godDAMN FUCKING SINCERE CONVERSATION 

  i just want someone to listen to me

i dont want to listento anyone elses crap

I want to cry and cry and cry and scream and shout

and i get so mad because i feel like people OUTSIDE of work also dont understand the fucking hardships I have to go through, all the goddamn work i do.

I dont know

i just want to be appreciated !

thanks for listening to my rant

pleaase ask me how i am LOL

side note 

I miss u bobs, I wish i had more friends who loved art as much as I did

i wish i had friends who liked my music and tv shows

I want to talk about cool shows and chill music and i want to hang with people who dress in hipster clothes and go to museums and have an outer body experience when looking at a piece of artwork for too long

i dont mind going with andrew

but its not the same

i want to go with someone who understands its

and really feels it

and understands me in that very moments

im just feeling uninspired 

 

Midnight ramblings

This is a post it note for this week

I have been wanting to make a blogpost for a while but never got around to doing it. 

A blogpost that i have lined up it called wait but i guess you have to WAIT for it hehehe hahaha

Ive been feeling very falloofy these days

I know its not a word but i cant really define how I ultimately feel

Its very caught inbetween but sometimes i flicker but mainly im content and a lil stressed

Not anxiety ridden stress like omg im gonna die and everyone is gonna hate me etc. (not mentally ill vers. Of maz)

But more ahhh so much to do so little time especially now that the gym is in my routine

Idk maybe the big issue is that i used to get work done in the morning but im struggling to get up and once its the end of the day i get too tired

I know that i want to wake up early tomorrow and go to work super early (try and get work done before my 8AM meeting) but i know i might skip the meeting and sleep especially since its late right now and its raining 

Idk im just struggling w my energy but more about that next time

Like im trying to implement strategies to make myself less of a workaholic meaning that i work during work hours and leave work at work

This came about because during the last school holiday i completely threw work in the bin- i wouldnt even hang out with my coworkers because i didnt want to talk about work (im so scarred by it)

And i felt like myself again

You know the hipster emo gal who is sarcastic and a cunt and just not really caring what people think

I would get these flare ups of anger when people are doing dumb shit and i go to teacher mode

Which i hate bleh

Like i do like my job but its really robbing me of who i am sometimes. If anything i dont mind being a workaholic the bigger issue is that i become teacher mode all the time

I guess im trying to find the balance of who i am and who “ms chan” is. Im a lil like should they merge or seperate because of my personal opinion and i guess is it professional that line i guess.

I get really torn about career me. Like sometimes i would reminisce about uni me and it makes me really really sad that i never got to live my dreams but. What were my dreams ? Like be an artist? Do i want that? I wouldnt want to be an actress and again its that whole “work to live or live to work” argument. 

Throughout highschool i always never wanted the domestic life. I wanted to explore the world and essentially be a whore. 

But i am happy where i am now. Domesticated (ok not really LMAO) by andrew. I love LOVE having money. I love being to buy whatever i want. I love the idea of being able to buy a home and not rent for the rest of my life. Idk i love feeling proud of myself? I really am. 

Like i know the job i am in is changing a life at a time. 

It might not be a lot and i might be forgotten but im doing something to impact someones life. 

I think my biggest fear is that i resent andrew in a few years when we are married and have kids. Like do i resent him now? Who knows. 

I guess i feel like im in a crisis? I am so happy but i think in an alternative universe would i be happy?

But when i do travel i het the blues and get depressed?

Like i dont know

There are so many thinks i dont know

But on the flip side

I know so much. What i think, feel, and experience is so rare. A lot of people will never understand what i understand. Even some of my friends will never understand what i have felt and currently feel. 

The more i think about the more im like hmm. Maybe the issue is that i find some of my workmates boring/ not relatable? 

But they are my workers? I dont need to connect with them

Or is it that i havent been able to meet new people? Maybe being the social butterfly i am im sad i dont get to meet new like minded people. A lot of people i meet arent as artsy or into the things i am in

Maybe thats why i feel happy yet lonely. 

But where can i meet these people? 

Hm 

Ok i just kissed andrew goodnight

Gonna kiss you guys good night,

Have a good rest and sweet dreams. 

P. S. I love meeting new people and getting to really know them. Finding out their little quirks and listening to their silly anecdotes. I dont know i find it all intoxicating. And sometimes i meet people who love such plain lives and i love trying to get them to come out of their shells or make them see the world as such a colourful and interesting play thing. Idk life is so full and amazing. Yet so devastating? Hm

i dont wanna be dramatic but

i dont wanna be dramatic but.. 

sometimes i feel like im broken

i feel like im walking around with a huge crack, a huge split that roots and rots from my heart and slowly creaks and cracks across my body

sometimes i just want to scream

i want my skin to melt 

i want to be a puddle in the ground seeping deeper and deeper into the dirt 

hoping that when i have reached deep enough in the dirt that i reach totally nothingness

sometimes i just want to pick on my chest and keep picking and picking until i bleeds and it gets deeper and deeper until i can pull my heart out

and i want to hold my heart in my hand 

seeing it beat and seeing that it isnt actually broken

but why does it feel that way? why does it hurt

and then it rots to black and i reach a numbness where i cant feel pain anymore

right now i can hear it beating 

a pulsating all over my body and with every beat is spreads this short lingering pain

like /beat/ hurt .. its slightly gone and then beat

it hurts again

a constant beating pain that shakes me and makes me fragile

it makes me tired

it makes me want to crawl in bed

it wants to envelop me so i cant move so i can constantly feel that way

i keep looking at my hands hoping it will tell me what to do but i know it cant 

i can see them shake and when i see them shake i breathe faster and faster and faster  until the rest of the world is black like nothing around me exists and this whole time ive been in an alternate reality

like ive been living another life 

and someone taps on my shoulder and its sunny and i smile 

and i realise this life was just a nightmare

then i close my eyes and open them

look at my hands again try and tell myself what is real and what isnt

sadly everything is real

sometimes i feel so i numb i twitch my head back

as if to snap me out of it

as if there is something behind me that will tell me that everything is ok

all of these things i feel and i keep hoping the pain is going to get so intense that it reaches a climax and it doesnt hurt anymore

but when the intensity starts, peaks and drops, the hurt doesnt go away, it just lingers there in the numbness of everything

i was tossing and turning last night, in a dream, it wasnt a nightmare

but it was me screaming

youre depressed again youre depressed again youre depressed again 

it kept screaming at me until i got up

and i woke up to my heart in my mouth

the anxiety took over 

i got up peed and forced myself back to sleep.

i guess im depressed again

 

i know im stronger than this

but it gonna be a painful and lonely ride 

i hate talking to people about it

people who truly dont understand 

who would brush it off like its not real

like all of my feelings are not real

but they are real 

the pain is real

the beating is real

the screams are real

the lack then snap back into reality is real

the never ending darkness is real

im not crazy

youll just never understand

and i guess that is why i'm so lonely 

omg another feeling i have is that my body is so heavy in sadness that my arm will just fall off

on a side side note #justdepressionthings

I was talking to my friend and giving her relationship advice and I was like that she has to remember that her partner isnt perfect like how she isnt perfect. if she expects her partner to accept her flaws she needs to accept his

and i said "look i've met myself and im crazy"

She: "what? haha you "met yourself" U sure!?

me; um yeahhhh

she: how, how can you meet yourself ?

me: um THERAPY ?

we had a gud laf about it #mentalillnesses