alone

i am finally alone

for those of you who do not know, i am on a one month south east asia trip with andrew, collin and eeh

i have finally hit my emotional breaking point

i spent last night crying on a plane because i was stressed out about the drama that was unfolding around me

oh, there is one more thing you should know, i am very very very emotional and love to clash heads

i build up a lot of thoughts in my mind and when my emotions take over, i am like a raging bull. but it was hard because these boys that i am with are nothing like that.

simply- they are boys, they are very "forgive and forget"

but being as emotional as i am and emotionless as they are (ok they are not emotionless, just extremely less emottional than i am) i get upset

i feel a hyper version of what they are feeling, when i sense collin is uncomfortable i get extremely uncomfortable and annoyed, when i sense andrew is angry i get extremely angry and annoyed, when i sense eeh is upset i get upset and annoyed-

i cant help it, and i want to say something, but the boys immediately get over it and im still here annoyed.

I want to yell, and assess and stress, and fix and cry and then ill get over it and they all know how i feel about this situation, and how each other feel about the situation

i have bitten my tongue so hard during this trip because i know that it is all in my head and i should not let it effect me, but with depression and anxiety in the mix- its kinda hard not to suddenly cry on a plane.


that is why i needed to be alone.

i am going to admit, my hyper sensitivity is a result of no me time.

i create lists in my head and i dream and i draw and i cry and i bum around

but it is a lot harder when you arent in your own home and constantly surrounded by your best boy friends.

We have become a lot closer over these pass few weeks. I love them so much so dearly, but MAN i just need my own time



I have really developed a relationship with myself over the past year, at it became increasingly hard remembering who i was when i was around these boys

(because i am an emotional sponge)

like i cant even lie down in a bed without feel like it wasnt mine

i cant walk around naked, i cant shower for too long and i cant even have a long enjoyable stinky poop without feel embarrassed if the smell would ~linger~


thats why i miss bobs so much, he was a grot like me ( i guess i could be my entire self around him)

i would walk around in our little airBnB with my tiddies out and shit and snort and cough and sleep in and just not get too tied down with plane rides and courtesy

with collin and eeh and andrew they are all SO NEAT hahahahha

they always lock their bags before we leave, they always change their clothes in the toilet after a shower (something i do not do at home, i sit in my towel for like an hour), they look up safe places to eat instead of wondering around and choosing a place we like, they (a habit they have changed) would always take travalan before any meal and care about the ice in cups. [[to be very fair we are in south east asia and i have a stomach of STEEL plus i am a lAZy PrinC3SS]]


I know if i were with bobs it would be nothing like that. We would spend a day waking up at 1 pm, leave at 3 pm, face beat, and stopping at the first coffee place we see to have a coffee and sit there for an hour before we head back to the AirBnB for a nap.

I miss those chill days, and i am glad i have bobs, the complete opposite of andrew. Andrew is the worlds most uptight traveller, his no1 quote is "did u not look it up??? >:(" with me and bobs its was- THIS LOOKS CUTE< LETS GO IN

:(

plus we love art galleries, i have a blast in any art gallery i am in but i know that collin and andrew arent as into it as i am, i think eeh is ok with it. but i dont want to waste their day doing something i like when they could be out doing something they like

but on a side note, these boys are lovely to be around. its always a laugh and roasting fun filled days.

There will always be an issue with travelling with anyone. you just have to make sure it does not take over the trip. and these boys are really good at not letting minor incidents take over the trip.

But i need to be me for a day

i just want to feel me again, and writing all of this down is making me feel more and more like me again

i just want to play music out loud, sit in a skirt with my undies out and not have to talk to anyone, or hear voices around me, or not feel pressured like we arent doing enough on this trip. I dont want to be constantly asked by andrew "u bored?" "u ok?" "Wot r we gonna do now?" like omg let me ~~~chill~~~ (when he asks me stuff like that i know he is just checking up on me and it rather sweet when its not asked 20 times within an hour)

i think i just want to be comfortable

i just want to be LAZY

do things at MY own pace

anyway i feel a lot better

i got to roll around on this bed, listen to loud tunes, didnt think of anyone but me

:)))))


i love myself again

bye

the meaning of life

i think about death every day

to me death is the reason why i live

i keep telling myself, who cares, we are all going to die one day (dw ill explain)

it may seem morbid but i find death really comforting

when i get really anxious or really depressed i think who cares im going to die one day, so i gotta make every moment count

its very carpe diem, very yolo

the only thing that matters to me is being content with life- because i know that we are never going to be continuously happy, only content with life, and i am ok with that

sure sometimes we are happy, but we must be sad, we must be angry, we must feel everything in order to live or else life wouldnt matter, we wouldnt grow


a  few years ago i used to glorify sadness, i used to think being sad, depressed and anxious made you  beautiful in a twisted way - as if being mis understood made me feel unique, like no one will ever understand me - now i see that its really not cute

sadness isnt beautiful
tragedy isnt romantic

happiness is, joy is, birth is, life is

now i know that no one will ever fully understand me - but every one feels that way

no one is special
no one is better than anyone else

essentially what i have learnt is that life is what you put into it
death is comforting to me cause it reminds me that it is the opposite of life
it reminds me what ive put into life

i tell myself if i died right now would i be happy?
would i leave myself satisfied?

and the answer right now is yes
because finally in my life i feel as if i am in control of my own life
i am making my own choices, i am who i ultimately am and if i die, i wont die as someone else, i wont die living a life someone else wanted for me

and my goal in life is to keep being myself
i keep living this life that i have chosen for myself

NO i am not going to kill myself if that is how you are reading this haha

now lets put this in practice

sure you can twist my words and say- but if everyone is going to die anyway, what about the homophobes in the world? what about the racist? should be just ignore them if youre going to die anyway? if they are going to die anyway?


the answer is no

i am not going to live my life letting people around me get hurt

its not about that other people are going to die
its about the fact that YOU are going to die

i am not going to be happy with dying right now if i kept my mouth shut to the racist in the bus


my other huge factor in my meaning of life is something to do it kindness

one person who had changed my life recently is sandy
im sure that i have mentioned this before

she has taught my kindness and loyalty

i feel as if i wasnt a good friend before i met sandy

and i never noticed that

i never wanted to actively help my friend cause i would tell myself it was not my place, they can live their own lives and blah blah blah (and they would think the same with me) and i will still say im their best friend and they are mine?

yet i would bitch behind their backs and they would bitch about me behind my back?

like wtf?

what kind of friend was i and what kind of friend are they

she taught me that if you love someone you have to be honest
like if i had a flaw about myself that was effecting other people, i would like to be told to my face
i dont want my friends to drift away from me and stop talking to me and not telling me why

i am not going to be like hey i hate that shirt throw it away

i mean like, if i feel like they are going to be a better and happier person after this call out

then its worth it

i have had sandy call me out many times, and each time she does it i feel like a better person

and i am currently doing it and you know what its great

i feel like a better friend for doing it and they do it to me

its beautiful


positivity is key

i want everyone to feel comfortable in themselves and level up


thats all i want

and if thats what im doing to my friends

and they keep on leveling up

and spreading the kindness that i pass on to them

i can die happy

and thats why death is comforting to me

death reminds me that i have lived

Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.

Lisa: Oh, Dad...

Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person, but you're also my daughter, and I don't think anybody could have had a better daughter than you

havent blogged in a while

you know whats frustrating

depression bleh LOL

i was talking to a m8 of mine who has it as well and i was like "it came outta no where! i woke up and i was like welp i guess ill just die" and she was like yep i guess its something we have to live with

Like i was so hype before this happened, its was like what- 3 weeks ago i was sending postive vibes, i was gonna do yoga, i wanted to meditate i was looking forward to LIVIN

but then out of no where i woke up and the sky was grey, nothing had colour, and my heart was heavy. Its very hectic. and frustrating.

And i kept trying to pull myself out of it, i kept trying to think postive thoughts, do good things but i felt like i kept getting knocked down

you just eventually get stuck

bad things kept happening

like my foot, my fine, my brother, peanut getting ill, having to de sex peanut, my money falling out of my pocket, having to quit my job


it all him me at once, and this morning, or yesterday i dont recall suddenly the sky was blue again and i was out of my head. i felt relieved but also a little mad. I dont know whether i pulled my self out of the depressive rut of whether or not it just subsided.

like do i control it/can i control it or is it just like the weather? where i have to wait it out?

im not sure



so that happened, but i am out of the rut now i guess. im kinda trying to be postive and be proactive, maybe start writing a resume

who know, i just felt like i havent blogged in a while.. I also need to start painting and doing art. try and get an instag following you know?

I am also slowing trying to get back into teaching, very slowly. working my way up there haha


well bye now i just wanted to babble for a bit