Who I want to be

 I am currently listening to 

Just to feel something

I have a lot of thoughts in my head, in a way I am inspired, but I wish i had the time to be inspired 

I didnt realise I was junk journalling 

https://emmcee-teenagedramaqueen.blogspot.com/2019/05/scrapbook.html

I just came home from Taiwan and Hong Kong and I had a great time with Andrew. I do feel inspired. I really want to Junk Journal!! 

I should also finish my 1sec a day. 

I just wanted to say Hi and hope that one day I will blog again. I love memories 

avoid

 every year I watch this one video by Rachel Nguyen 

I usually watch it within the first week of the new year and before the new year. I feel like I am a very hopeful person, a realist but hopeful

this year- well really, last year, the last few months have really REALLY burnt me out, 

i wanted to write a post called a love letter to lock down during the lock down and when i was working from home but i just didnt - and now i regret it. 

I really found myself during that time, remembered who I was, I loved being alone with myself again, but when i got back to work, everything came back and in a crazy crash of an unstoppable wave, 

it was like all the self growth i had was drowned away and i was left alone in the middle of the water, trying, just trying to hard to keep my head above water

I hate work, i really do - again not the students but... the anxiety, the comparing, the people. I cant stand the people and their dog eat dog mentality

I threw myself into the game and now i want out but its tooooo late. 

I hate disappointing people - but what about peopke i dont like

i feel like im being bullied into a corner

and no one put baby in the corner

joke idk i have been trying to avoid people, anyone 

i want to be alone, but now i am avoiding myself, who i am 

i have just been playing animal crossing non-stop and i know ive been running away from. who i am and who i want to be or who i need to be?

I want to be on top of work- i am very behind

i want to leave, i cant stand this schedule 

i cant stand all of this 

god there are so many things ti need to do and every day/ night i ell myself tomorrow i am going to do it and then i dont, i put myself in this cycle of animal crossing

i hate it, it makes me sick, blind and stuffy 

i need to stop, but i hate myself too much to stop. so i guess now, i need to watch that video :/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVMjy36dOkk

Naruto

 

So I like to use this blog as an indicator to where I am and who I am as person as i grow older and older. 

And honestly at this point in my life I am so obsessed with Naruto it's not even funny. 

I have become a full on weeb during the lockdown and I love it. I know i always had it in me probably because of my dorky brothers and my cousins who introduced it to me and I have finally given in and I am in love. The story and characters are just so captivating I can't stop thinking about them and what they have been through. I can tell that this show has shifted something in me. There are always show and music and experiences that shape who I am as a person and this experience has actually made me a happier person. 

Over the past few months and not until recently have I felt like I am not mentally ill. Who knew an Anime could do that to me?

It makes me want to be a stronger person, so fight through all of my hurt and trauma and focus on my goals. I don't have a goal right now but I feel like I can do anything.

Maybe I am having a manic episode but on occasion where i question my mental illness or the mental illness of others I find myself thinking - 

If I were to die today, would I be happy with my life in this current moment? Would I have an regrets, and the question is no. 

Not until extensive therapy and soul searching have i felt that way.

I am extremely content with my life right now. 

Maybe it is because I had KBBQ with my friends last night

maybe its because my coworker is complimenting me

maybe its because my friend is helping me with my resume

In times like this when i ask for help I am so grateful that there is someone waiting for me on the other line, cheering for me

that when I am a mess when I am drunk i know at the end of the day, they wont hate me for that, that i have people who love me for who I really am 

just like naru- ok jokes

but seriously, i just wwanted to make a post about how i am during lockdown

and i feel like i finally remember who i was and who I am

the essence of who i will always be

and thats all thanks to my hard work 

I am so proud of myself 

and i should be

coz i am a boss ass bitch :) 

like Madara- ok ill stop