as we were waiting for jess to come over sandy and i were talking about something and she just stared at me and im like what
and she said "you came a long way" and im like what???
and she told me "i changed for the better", i felt like i matured a bit, i dont know, like i grew up, and i am actually making mature choices rather than petty ones.
i dont want to actively hurt people anymore like the way they hurt me. i dont know if a part of me died inside or a part of me grew from my past experiences....
Im not sure, im still an angry person but im only going to voice that to people who want to turn my angry into reflection and let me feel that way you know? let it out i guess? break it down and let me think constructively
i dont know, but this last year has been insane for me. i made new life long friends, made large life decisions and i kinda sort of feel in control of my life.
my chest still feels heavy and sad but its churning, changing but i am ready
i dont know after sandy said that i felt like i saw myself outside of my own body, i am constantly anxious and self conscious about myself, about who i am, and having someone tell me that im growing - when i felt like i have been stuck this whole time - it really made me smile and be bashful
the same for jessica garcia, how she told me that nothing can match my bubbly personality, and how she hated hearing me/ seeing me upset. she told me when she first saw me she thought that i was smart and pretty and that she had to be friends with me.. she told me that i was lazy and that if i wasnt i had a lot of potential.. like fuck im always telling myself that i am dumb and ugly????
or how bobs said that he would miss me if he went to germany
and then while we were drunk and in a smoke room we just talked about one being in the uk and one in germany and we can visit each other and on the weekend travel!
and its real. like. in highschool it feel like it will never happen. but it finally feels real. that people out there actually like me, that people want to be around me and be with me
i am kinda sick of being, i dont know, the only word i can think of is a mum? like i am constantly thinking about everyone, what they are doing, and if they are making the right decisions, and i get upset when they get upset, like everything they do effects me and they dont even know it. do they even know how i am feeling? are they thinking about me? im sick of being a puppet, i hate feeling stupid and have to crawl to you for affection
what happened to self love?
i am sooo over hurting for other people who dont feel my hurt?
like if anyone thinks im selfish, i am not, i think i am finally putting my happiness first
just writing that felt so good
sitting here listening to frank ocean, slow, sad but warm
im sorry if i sound like a douche bag screw you cause you dont know how long this self hate and anxiety has effected my life
im finally taking control and using me to get what i want
I thought that I was dreaming
When you said you loved me
It started from nothing
When you said you loved me
It started from nothing
-frank ocean - ivy -
here are some cute photos
